a day beyond words

ever have those days that can't be accurately explained or described by any verbal attempt? a day that leaves you feeling as if it isn't "leaving" at all, but will exist in you eternally, along with all that you felt within it.

this was today.

reading/sunbathing/napping at the lake on some cool grass

reusing paper bags as mouse cage litter

organizing like i'm 5 yrs old again, with frankie watching

crayon melting fun

yerba mate

curry with lamb sausage for dinner

                       corkboard-o-instant photos we put up today / and my lover at our kitchen table

the oldest thing i know

tonight i arrive home to an empty house, as i have been doing lately. i air up the back tire of your bike with surprising ease, as yesterday's attempt at it had ended in frustrated failure. off we go, Finn and I. i aim him downtown. he takes me there flying.
we pass the memorial where everyone is hushed. pass the construction.
dirt, sand, broken gravel = grit in my eyes when the bus passes.
we round the block near IAO Gallery, and head back west. i soar over sidewalks and slow to observe the circular brick patterns in the ground near a sitting area. i feel you there, as i feel you everywhere. i sent you a photo with a caption about how i wished you could be with me to see the evening light fading. but i realize, as my data launches into space, you did. you see everything i see. i take you everywhere i go.
when i looked up from between the buildings, through the trees lining the street, and watched the birds fly up and away as if just for me, you saw them too. the sun setting over the horizon. the deep rumble and overwhelming sense of size as a train passed over me on the bridge. the smell of damp tree bark and watered lawns. you saw, felt, heard. everything i hold inside me is sorted by your soul each night. inventory of our lives.

"at night falling asleep they dream the same dream, where they watch fire move along a rope that binds them together" -Anne Carson

you sent this to me in a text once, saying I reminded you of that quote. our rope stretched taut and thickened by the day when you were in Africa. you were thousands of miles away, we were new. but i feel it as much now as i felt it then. the same as i have felt you my whole life. so according to time we're still "new," but you will always be the newest and oldest thing i know.

(pretty sure you hate this photograph, but i love it)

july

july was a blur! quickly passing. rae, class, working, photographing home births and engagements and pregnant tummies, editing all my june weddings and ! *whew*

my {very rare} free hours are spent photo-editing and recharging. when i begin to get frantic about my lack of time i just imagine those hours i spent just letting myself be. i deserved those hours, days, months. and i cherished every moment knowing that i would soon be starting something new and staying busy (although at the time i didn't know exactly what that would be.) i know this is exactly what i need. i'm re-learning time management....or at least attempting to. haha!


anyway, here are some shots of late...

my final mens haircut! yay!

also - passed my core cosmetology class with flying colors! on to taking customers! agh!

kitty stalking

carrot pulling/water hose attacking!

dream

i found this video a few months ago and had forgotten about it until today. as always, perfect timing. this is the song of my heart, i needed to hear this now.

for the first time since 1997 i'm going to have a valentine's day by myself. alone. single. and i'm totally fine with it. i'm looking forward to it actually! i'm going to love myself. i'm going to do what i want to do, and enjoy it knowing that i'm where i need to be. i'm who i need to be, at least for now. this year's valentine's day will be my own.

i'm rekindling childhood loves - tucking myself away in my grandparents house, immersed in the smell of old books, studying 1970s photography periodicals; watching birds in the back yard and the golden sunset rays illuminating the kitchen; pretending i could stay here forever and fade into time with the rest of these antiques. this place is mine now. and i'm my own now.

tues night. wine. thoughts.

 ok.....i HAD thoughts.....but they turned into photos instead....

i'm in love with her. 

 i thought the creepy monkey needed some love

the years

    Fall semester time again! The weather is getting closer to perfection (slowly). And there’s that smell in the air each morning when I’m on my way to work. To me it’s the smell of love, school, new beginnings. It was 10 years ago that I came to college. TEN YEARS AGO!?!?!!!!!!!! whoa.
    I was by myself, save my high school boyfriend that came to school here too but somehow remained mostly separate from me in my freshman experience. I met by best friend Cat over a pee cup…drinking water until we had to pee bad enough to overcome our modesty (since NCAA Division I required everyone to be watched while urinating for drug tests).
    I had my teammates, practice twice a day, classes to attend, church on Sunday, and my heart to discover. I became myself away from my family and high school friends, away from my high school boyfriend and the expectations that followed me for 18 years until this point. I could be who I wanted to be, go where I wanted, and do what I wished (as long as it didn’t interfere with training of course). It was an invigorating era of possibilities.
    Even though its been ten years I feel that I’m there again. At least in my mind. This time there’s no school, no cross country team, no scholarship to pay for life. But I do have friends – long term soul friends that know me and will be with me forever. I’m closer to my family. I’m closer to myself and I know who I am. I know what I want, and what I don’t. I know what I believe, and why. I’m still the same random, kooky girl with a violent streak and a romantic soul, but 10 years grown. Not quite as green, wiser (at least I hope), clearer and more confident. Perhaps a bit more jaded, but determined not to hide behind my walls. Ready for life, whatever it brings.

post-bout & anniversary

sooo my first bout with the angels of no mercy was aaaammaaaaazing!!!!!!! i'm totally in love with it! the team, the fans, the knocking down & getting up, the rush of it all! morning welcomed me with a nervous stomach but i chilled soon and i remained calm (somehow) until the start! 

my heart jumped a bit the first time i stepped up to the line but as soon as the whistle blew i was fine. it wasn't nearly as scary as i thought it would be! even though all the opponents were (of course) bigger than me i did my darnedest to hold my ground...even when Toxic Ta'Kilah's giant boobs were about to knock me out!

here's an iphone pic my dad took before we started

yep, sexy, huh? with my slobbery mouth guard in hand and my hair slicked into the helmet. ha!

anyway, i had a blast! sadly, we lost go the green country thunder dollz but it was a fight the whole way and we entertained the small (due to holiday) but lively crowd.  i'm ready to get some more practice in now that i have a better idea of the end result. 

OH! and someone asked for my autograph! i probably shouldn't have said "you really want my autograph!?!" but i couldn't help it...i was in shock!

~~~

as i mentioned in my last post, yesterday was also our 6 year wedding anniversary! 

preston worked, i skated. 

we both halfheartedly wish we had planned something grand for our weekend because after all six years seems like one of those big anniversaries! we both arrived home smelly & tired but went out to the derby after party, had good time, and slept super late today. we've had so many planned-out celebratory weekends before and they were all fun...but there's nothing quite like playing the hermit together. especially when its raining outside!!! 

i can't believe its been 6 years! {side note: someone asked me yesterday "so, did you guys start dating high school?" haha! nope, i replied and was giddy upon hearing that they thought i was 23. heehee}

happiness & love, baby

we loved this quote & put it on our wedding programs:

"Here Love's longing draws back the veil, and illumines the recesses of the heart,

Creating a happiness that no other happiness can surpass but that of the Soul when she embraces God."

-Kahlil Gibran from Secrets of the Heart, chapter on The Way of Marriage.

just us

we slept in a couple hours longer than we wanted, but today i don't feel bad about it. wake up to the sunshine & birds, kitty purrs and day planning. we're gonna do a lunch date for preston's birthday today, then walk a new shop in town to check it out and enjoy the air. we'll cook dinner and eat dessert, play spider solitaire while we watch movies and pretend the night won't end. all the while the cats will be yowling, climbing, cuddling us and enjoying the weekend hours when we're all together. 

i love it all. 

just us.

 

happy birthday, baby!

when your heart swells

     i remember looking at a poster in the hallway at church when i was a kid. it was a photo of a homeless guy and said something very self-sacrificing and humbling i'm sure, but i don't remember what exactly that was. i just remember the way my heart swelled. tears welled up in my eyes and i wanted to do anything i could to help that guy.
     i realize now, and i really think i knew at the time, that the shot may have been posed. but it was the thought, the reality of the situation. and i felt it so early. this empathy, love, this heart swelling thing (call it what you will) was pretty common for me...when someone was getting picked on at school, when an elderly lady at the grocery dropped her sack, when a disabled adult was shouted at in public by their parent or sibling.
     i've lived my life leaving situations like this with a lump in my throat, watery eyes, a swollen heart. why can't i help them with their shopping and finding their money at the register? i would be patient, i would be kind and understanding. why can't i take care of and show them that they are amazing? because they are amazing, lovely souls!
     i have so many loves and passions, but this has been more internal than any of them. it has been constant for as long as i can remember. its beyond my daily emotions, the flippant states of my heart, or the whims i might feel. it has been unwavering.
today i took a step in this direction.
i'm not sure about the timing or money or anything that will happen, but i can't ignore when my heart swells.

longing

dear readers,
   just a warning, if you haven't heard me gush about ireland yet then you're in for a realization. i'm obsessed.

it all started when preston was there for two weeks before we were married. just two weeks, its nothing really. but we hadn't been apart for more than a day since we had started dating and i was missing him like crazy. i only cried twice, but the rest of my time was spent obsessing about the land i wanted to visit, the land my love was seeing. i bought an irish rovers tape for my car, stole my mom's dvd copy of The Matchmaker and watched it daily, let the music sink into my soul and memorized the landscape.

preston and i visited ireland & england in the fall of 2008 and i'll never be the same. its in me so deep i can feel it every day. its my soul country. i won't even try to explain it all, i'm sure you understand and have felt the same way about something in your life. some days the ache is deeper than others. its pretty deep today.

driving in Co. Tipperary

Cahir, Co Tipperary

view from our b&b in Ennis, Co. Clare

horsies at our b&b in Ennis

Doolin, Co. Clare

we had irish stew, shrimp cocktail & a couple pints here

 

Ballyvaughan, Co. Clare

 

ahh the grass in Roundstone (where The Matchmaker was filmed we found out later!!!)

 

sitting on the cliffs on Inishmore, Aran Islands, Co. Galway

Guinness in Dublin, perfect way to start the day

our hostel in Dublin

the Liffey!

ever watched Once? this is where the opening scene takes place. watch it now!

taps in Dublin at a lovely pub

just got off a fun ride w/cat in Stratford-upon-Avon, England

i just love this sign, you'll be able to find it soon on my etsy shop

street art

*sigh*

what is it that your heart aches for?