Thursday, December 23, 2010

completely known

there's a waterdeep song i love that goes something like this:
"i don't think i've ever wanted as much to be free as i've longed to be known..."

   I’ve always wanted to feel like someone knew me. I mean, really knew me. Someone who knew what I was thinking before I uttered a word. Someone who could look me in the eye and communicate with me before even hearing what I had to say.

    Being known does start out lovely. Like how Rylee can tell when my mind begins to wander; she can tell when I’m thinking about something more significant that dinner. Sure, she knows how I want my hamburger – with mayo and ketchup, no onions. She knows that my heart bulges when I see an elderly couple in the store, or when I see something that makes me miss my grandma. 
    As much as I’ve longed to be known, I’m finding that being known can be it irritating. {At least it can be to my Type-A-perfectionist-yet-childish Aries soul.} It includes someone knowing not only your sweet thoughts and dreams but also your flaws. And I feel like the worst parts of me are flowing out in abundance now. It can become maddening {if you let it}

    I have a number of people like this in my life now, people who just know me. And I begin to wonder if they know me because they’re in my life for a reason or because I’ve just been so transparent that they got a good look at me. I know, the answer is obvious. In my “everything happens for a reason” mind, I know they’re meant to be in my life.
   There’s Rylee, who calls me out when I’m being pessimistic or irrational. When my temper is escalating to tantrum-status she smiles sweetly and shuts me down. She gives me that “look” when I say something that I’m trying to make myself believe, but we both know is a sham. She sees me when I’m frustrated, irritated and whiney. She sees me when I’m broken and reminds me that there’s no reason to break.
    There’s Rashel, who has known me since we were 12. I put on my show for her for years and she just watched and smiled. But she always knew what was behind my extravagant scenes. She worked the lights, changed the backdrops and helped me put on the show I wanted. But as soon as I shut it down she was there to help me sweep the floors and close the doors. I can always see her thoughts in her eyes and she spares me no honesty.
    There’s Jerre, my new-found friend and pod twin. Our coinciding birthdays was a novelty and I was interested in our similarities. Then I realized those similarities lead to Jerre calling my bluff…a lot. Our conversations are littered with scowls and dares, and I’m usually left brooding over the fact that regardless of endeavors my insecurity has been branded. With a laugh Jerre can predict my reaction, and in the process nearly nullify its execution.
    There’s Cat, who always makes me question my motives and reminds me that not all is fleeting. There’s JD, who stimulates my introspection but always stops me with his question “what’s really the problem here?” To which my answer is usually “Nothing. It’s in my head.”
   I get frustrated that I don’t get my way, and that I can’t say what I want to without it being rebuffed for fraud. I hate that I can’t make people believe what I want them to believe about me. I feel found out. I feel pin-pointed and categorized. I feel like I want to break out, run away and hide where no one knows me.
   My easiest defenses are invalid, no longer working like I had hoped. The stubborn child in me pouts as my loved ones stick me in the wash tub and scrub at my dirt spots. I’m irritated that you can stop me in my tracks, but I know that I’m seen and cared for. I know I’m being challenged to grow.
I’m completely known, and still loved.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

tues night. wine. thoughts.

 ok.....i HAD thoughts.....but they turned into photos instead....

i'm in love with her. 

 i thought the creepy monkey needed some love

Monday, December 20, 2010


i was trying to think of something profound to write about this...but its really just a list. it is what it is. a list of my admissions - negative and positive. everyone has 'em, right?

so...what are yours?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

random thursday, dec. 2

i feel like the days are passing by without me.

i desperately need to find my portable hard drive. the *find* part is starting to stress me out. i mean really, how many places can it hide in a 900 sq ft apartment??

its cold in here.

i got my tire fixed today. i felt like an irresponsible car owner when they told me they found not only a screw but a huge staple. plus i had used fix-a-flat so i got some crap for that too. eek.

cherrie (my new doggy) wants me to cuddle with her.
 (she loves her purple sweater)

and i was in the process of posting a video too, but i got bored with it. 

happy random (frustrating until i find that hard drive) thursday!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

dark come soon

the lovey Tegan & Sara

Everything I say, I say to me first
Everything I do, I do to me first

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

the new header...

so my lovely derby friend Robin D'Cradle (jules) posted the quote on her page one day.

"i may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i needed to be." - douglas adams

i'm a fan of douglas adams anyway ("so long, and thanks for all the fish!") so i thought it was it perfectly fits my life at this point. so i just wanted to say a bit about that...

i'm not really a planner. i kinda go with the flow and let life happen, only making decisions when it really comes down to the wire. but i'm an idealist. and idealist who i'm discovering is not a realist as i had indulged in thinking, but actually a pessimist.

idealist + pessimist = daily disappointments & depression   (but i'm getting better.)

anyway, the point being that my lack of planning abilities/desires usually lends to my less than lovely mood when a less than ideal situation arises. and the idealist part of me screams out in agony that life isn't perfect (while my pessimist side convinces me that i better just get used to it...)

but somehow in the middle of all the "me" i'm so caught up with all the time i find myself in the perfect place. it just happens while you're not looking. i never planned to be living in stillwater. i never planned to be divorced. i never planned to be 28 and on my own, re-deciding what to do with life. but i've ended up where i need to be.
but happy...definitely.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

saturday morning work

i got up before 9am on a saturday!!!  i'm working on some wedding photos and on a mission to get them finished & uploaded to my website by noon, and forgetting my steeping earl gray in the meantime. i seriously need to not walk away from my tea unless i have a timer.

life and i have somehow met in the middle. i've been a bit behind-feeling for the past few weeks but now i seem to have caught up. or at least my head has caught up. finally.

random photo. i'm in love with my new 8 gauge ear bones!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

random (it is thursday after all)

random list. why i'm happy:

1) yay for thursdays!

2) i am in love with this season and sooooo glad its finally cold enough to wear a coat to work!

3) looking forward to seeing friends this weekend that i haven't seen in way too long

4) looking forward to spending time outside today, near horses, and people i love

5) i'm getting breakfast at work today!

6) hopefully my new point & shoot camera will come in the mail today (and hopefully it will not suck)

7) love

sorry i don't have any photos for you. i'm still camera-less but hopefully there is a new SLR in my near future....or at least a fix for mine. before i go crazy. happy thursday!

Thursday, October 7, 2010


sometimes it seems that life suddenly dumps the basket of "hard" on you all at once. the balance that i had been feeling for the past few months, the peace, the quiet - it inexplicably vanished.
the past couple weeks have been -hard-
its not that i was expecting this to be easy. i knew this would be hard, life is hard sometimes. but i figured at least the bulk of that would be external. wrong! so maybe its not so inexplicable at all. i let my head get to me. i always do. and i was so proud of myself lately for not over-thinking. it starts with a thought and i dig it into a huge black hole and jump straight in. occasionally i surface and realize that i'm wasting my time.
so i'm learning to listen and let go and live. learning to use my brain for its intended use - rational thought, my soul for guidance, my heart for healing and loving. its an odd process - ripping yourself open in certain places for complete examination, and sewing yourself up for healing in others. its a whole-soul soreness.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

i remember dates too well

it was two years ago today (oct 6) that preston and i stood on a cliff on Inishmore, one of the Aran Islands off the coast of Ireland.  together we biked around the island in the mist, soaking up every detail possible before our ferry returned. our hearts were at home.

october has always been my favorite month for so many reason (really, i don't need to list them because i'm pretty sure you agree with me, right?!) but then taking the most amazing trip within the month has just intensified my nostalgia.

so for the past six days i've been swirling in memories of irish stew on the coast in doolin while soaked to the bone, slainte! playing in streets, gray skies, green fields, velvety guinness in a warmly lit pub. they mix with the left over details from before: high school love, cross country races and wet grass in the morning, runs with cat and orange leaves beneath our feet.

and it's all coming back to me today. i'm off work, going to court to sign the final divorce papers. sadness mixes with hope and my heart is treading carefully. i'll leave no memory behind. there is nothing here i would care to forget. we'll all be okay.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

i promise.

my blog is still alive. really.!? better explains my current life.

 long shutters. you can barely see me.
lovely rain
 learning new games
shaving heads
chill time

soon i'll have something more important to say. for now my thoughts are mine.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


i just got back home from cancun! ok, it was actually a week ago now..but anyway....
  4 nights, 5 days, all inclusive vacation with the family. it was good! and somehow i managed to lose weight while there....i blame that on body-surfing the waves with my brothers pretty much every day. still finding new bruises & scrapes from the rocks and shell. i think almost all the sand is finally out of my hair, and its nice to sleep in my own bed again. but i do have to say that unlimited food & alcohol spoils you quite quickly.

so, here's a short documentation of my lovely stay...

BAHAHAHAHAAA jesse & i acting like idiots! it was fun!
david & suz