Waking Up.

   I live in a 13x7-foot space, with my person. Only duffel bags to hold our clothes, cabinets for the things we'll use on the road, and a rug for our German shepherd. Our camper is cute. It's warm at night and fun to hang out in when the setting sun warms our West windows.
It will be amazing when we're on the road, out in new land to explore. But we're still in Oklahoma. And in day-to-day life sometimes it feels our belts are too tight. It's more than the familiar stir crazy, its the uncle who taught him everything he knows about making people crack.
 
   I escape into the clouds of nothing above me, my "unconscious" bailing out when stressed. I fall asleep at the life wheel. I am an expert at focusing on "now" and doing what I need to get through a work day or weekend or a thousand plans and things to do. But I'm not so expert-y on planning ahead. Or being present when I'm off work, which we all know is the most important place to be present. Or giving myself enough time for myself. I am living in a travel trailer with my partner and saving money for the life change we're about to make and I'VE BEEN FUCKING SLEEPING THROUGH IT!

  I am now awake. For today, for every day. I must pay attention, keep my hands on the wheel and eyes on the road. Drive. Even if it's just around the block. DO SOMETHING!

{ If I am a passenger in my life I am only baggage, to everyone and to myself. }

Yesterday I cried hard. I burned some clothes in the fire pit outside and threw some habits in with it. This may be a struggle for a while, but new habits are made after, what, 21 repetitions?! Something like that.

   Today I made sure to move. I took my body and my Rumi for a run. I can't remember the last time I really ran. It hurt.
By minute 3 my chest hurt.
Minute 5: my right runners knee began to ache.
Minute 7: knee pain replaced by shin/calf tightness.
Minute 10-14: the infamous gut ache to reiterate "You're outta shape there, buddy!"

Laziness is so, so easy. And feels good for a while. Until it doesn't.
 Hello, soil of the Earth. It's nice to feel you again.

(apparently Rae now owns the only exercise shorts in our belongings, so I borrowed them)

Latest thrift purchase $0.42 for an adorable painting by a talented person I do not know. I love it!

abnormal?

i'm pretty sure your ass shouldn't chafe itself. but after my 3 mile run tonight, my crack is definitely chafed. i also acquired 3 new blisters from my five fingers (1 per mile?!)
and i suppose i should add that i'm taking on these lovely afflictions because i agreed to run a 10k road race...in two weeks. haha! yep, i can't remember the last time i ran 6 miles (its been over 3 years i'm almost sure) but what the hell!?!? might as well!

random thursday, feb 10 2011

productive day! for the first time ever i shoveled snow! i really don't think i've ever done that before. i've never had my own sidewalk to shovel or enough snow to even need to! it sucked and i got a giant splinter in my thumb, but i appreciated the life experience. profound moment, i know.

 then i ran!! *gasp!* i can't actually remember the last time i ran, but its time to start again. and it was just sunny enough to trick myself into thinking it wasn't very cold. so i put on my tights and headed out to the streets.

 {before}

ahh, the glory of masochism! my 2 miles were full of spitting, projectile snot-blowing, ice dodging and the occasional hazardous female driver. {it's commonly known among female runners that female drivers DO NOT care for your safety. we all assume they're just bitter that we're in shape (or at least trying to be) and they're not. maybe we're a threat. whatever the reason, 95% of female drivers would rather run the risk of jail time than veer a few feet into the other lane to make sure they don't hit you. males, on the other hand, will nearly drive onto the shoulder of the opposite side of the road to make sure they get a full view of a perky runner's ass.}
anyway...running in the cold felt like home again. i tasted blood (capillaries in my lungs bursting b/c its been a while since they've been used this much), my ears throbbed, my knees ached. love!

look! according to david these are bunny tracks

little doggy tracks?! i'm gonna pretend its something more fun, like a fox. 

my shop! actually, more like david's shop. 

i also cooked dinner tonight for davey and i! salmon, red potatoes & rice! yay! yay!

sanity

so i'm assuming that everyone is like me and has days where you wanna punch every female near you in the ovaries. and males....well, honestly on days like these they're so insignificant its not even worth thinking about. (except for my man cause he's amazing, thankyouverymuch)

for whatever reason you hate the world, your car, your pants, everyone who looks at you, laughs or even smiles in your direction. you can't stand to sit still and you just need something! (tell me its not just me and i need to be treated for bipolar!!!)

actually, i have a degree in psychology so i know i don't need to be treated for bipolar.

anyway...

i suppose the best thing for these days is to be armed with your remedy. a bad day remedy! maybe it doesn't work in every situation, but most of them! i know i've said it a hundred times, but mine is grass. not pot. (well. maybe...) its being outside!!!! trees, wind, grass, dirt, birds.

i left zumba before i glared any innocent booty-shakers to death and went for a run at the cross country course.

2 miles in my five fingers. some barefoot. stretch, breathe, calm.

then went home to get my camera, came back & took photos of the sun illuminating everything. 

i can breathe again.

so, what is your bad day remedy?

most of my photos are still on film because i'm amazing and didn't take extra batteries for my canon. but it didn' bother me....i was outside!

be afraid.

be VERY afraid.

(because i am! haha!)

i looove my new skates!

on a lighter note...

after work i went to the cross country course and ran 2 miles in my five fingers. AND, i seem to have found my favorite place in stillwater. i've been there a thousand times (literally, i'm sure). 

on the cross country course at the top of the big hill. next to the tree that coached had dubbed the big V (for victory.....whatever.) i stopped there to stretch and turned toward the west around 8:30.

just past sunset. and it was amazing.

the salmon sky, periwinkle clouds. all i could hear were birds and wind in the trees. the setting sun slowly turns all the greens to black. i can see the field, the horizon, the trees around me, the quiet apartments, the sky and nothing else. 

perfection.

i didn't want to leave. i could have curled up in that field to awake at sunrise completely surprised that i hadn't transformed into a flower through the night. (a weed is more realistic.) i'll have to go there more often.

on the down side, more blisters from breaking in the five fingers

frog

   i biked to the lake today, ran 10 minutes, and biked back home. and all in my new five fingers! i've walked in them a lot the last couple days, did a photo shoot in them (which was amazing!) but today was the first running test!
   other than the break-in blisters (which i had forgotten about since i haven't bought new running footwear in well over a year) it was perfect! i was naturally up on the ball of my feet & toes and they really do feel like running barefoot - minus the stone bruises.
   i can tell my biking is still whittling away at my legs, which i am super excited about. yay! now all i need to do is find a pool and start some triathlon training! (i really wanna do one soon IF i can start swimming)!
   anyway, i am in heaven on my bike. other than swallowing insects around boomer (seriously, i got 3 or 4 tonight! glaaagghhhh) my rides are always perfect. i'm super competitive with myself so i can't just 'ride' my bike. i must conquer it, show it who is master. i must whip my legs into submission, ignore my heart rate and go as fast as i can. i fly through parking lots, cut across fields (its not a road bike, don't worry), ramp off curbs and generally scare pedestrians who don't hear me coming. i love it! i think its because i'm actually fast on a bike!!   =D
   with all this speediness plus two (bike)broken collar bones under my belt (sports bra?!) i should probably consider investing in a good helmet. crazy idea.

i feel like a frog in these, but they are amazing!


in conclusion, if you're in stillwater and see a crazy with frog feet flying down the street on a bike with a crazed look in the eye, its probably me.
don't honk please.

barefoot time!

i did my first barefoot run of the year! hopefully by the time the stickers pop up i can have some five fingers covering my toesies...but for now i'm ecstatic about the new green grass!
the thing about running barefoot is that you don't have that awkward haven't-run-in-a-week hobble to begin with. your body just knows what to do and from the very first step its just....natural!

(imagine that)

i was surprised at my brisk pace and lasted a whole two miles, which was in itself a surprise. i haven't gone more than 1.5 in a while, and the past couple weeks have been really off since getting sick. but it felt amazing squishing through the mud and bouncing forward off my toes. sweet spring!

if you haven't felt the earth with your feet in a while then you should go do it now! no matter your state, it will revive your heart

 

(and sorry for the crappy photos, my phone was all i had)

february 8th

     after sitting at my desk from 8am to nearly 8pm i was going stir crazy. i swear i could feel my thighs and butt growing larger and larger with every passing hour...i needed to work out today. i was originally planning on getting some gym time in but since my gym closes at 8 and i was still working at 7:45 I decided i was going to run outside, regardless of how my mind might change when i would go outside to my car.

clock out. home. change. pet frankie before he explodes from neediness. head outside.

      i went north first as all runners know to do when there's a north wind. and it hurt. the cold wind was slapping me in the face like you do to your younger brothers when they can't help it, saying "stop slapping yourself! stop slapping yourself!" i was being mocked, but the wind and i have a long hate relationship (nope, no love there at all) so i was already used to the abuse. 

  by the time i was 2 minutes in my throat was burning, my face was numb, and i already crunched through two frozen streams. cross the street away from the creepy guys in the dark.  lean into the wind from your ankles. face down so you can breathe. run around the patches of ice spotting the sidewalk. spit. snot. brrrrr.

      now i tasted it, the blood. the benchmark for any run, the passing of the line you haven't been beyond in while. its your body's prize to you for pushing further. the bursting of the capillaries in your lungs from expansion and the metallic blood taste appears....and then i remember.  its february 8th. its been 11 years since coach hogan's death, so far away but so near at heart. to be honest, i had remembered it a few times earlier in the day but hadn't really thought about it much since i was at work. but now in the midst of my run i really remembered.
      in high school there was nothing else that could make us track girls straighten up and put a bit more gut into our strides than when we heard coach's red ford truck rattling behind us just out of peripheral vision. his shouts across the track or cross country course were enough to push us beyond feeling sorry for ourselves and finishing what we started. we always wanted to be our best but it was nothing unless he recognized it. i had always wanted him to be proud of me, and that only grew after he passed. i had my best year of high school running after that and got my osu scholarship.
     i kept getting faster & faster and all the while wishing he could see me. look what i've done! and then i got kicked off the team (ha! long, funny story aside) and life drastically changed. i have since struggled with the thought of being who i am now and being a runner at the same time. (although, yes, i know, i have always been the same person and i'm just being crazy...) running was a life for me then and its hard to half-do now. its easier to not do at all. i resolve in my head "oh well, i could have been good. but now its over and i have another life. sorry folks." and when i think of coach i feel a bit of shame for my abandoned possibilities.
      but as i finish my run at our mail box and begin to walk back to our apartment i think about the past 11 years. the thousands of miles and all the places i've run. the friends and the traveling and the glory and pain. the demise of my college running career. the fading away of my "runner life."  all the years that have followed.  then i begin to realize, he would still be proud of me. i know it.
     because after an 11 hour work day at 8:30 on a february night in 28 degree weather with a north head wind i still went for a run. because 7 years after i was no longer being paid to run i still can't help the craving for a conversation with the road when it begins to rain. because i still consider myself a runner even if i haven't run in months....because i know i'll never stop.