learning about me

you know that movie Runaway Bride?! of course you do. so, roberts' character is lovely and amazing but just can't seem to identify herself apart from whatever significant other she's with at the time. she doesn't even know how she likes her freakin eggs!!  i feel like i've had a bit of that dilemma. but only a tiny bit.

in my six year marriage i assimilated with my husband a lot. that's what you do when you're married, or in any relationship really. but unlike most other divorcees i can say that he gave me full and complete room to be myself. i wasn't criticized when i decided it was time to dye my hair black, slather black paint on my nails and pretend i was a bad ass. he didn't laugh at me when i cut my hair short and took emo photos all day. or when i cried at The Notebook. or when decided to start saving bags and bags and bags of bottle caps. he just let me be. and maybe he laughed when i made a fool of myself, but i always welcome that. and he always reassured me. when it came to trying new things and discovering myself he never made me feel less than perfectly-imperfect-me.

but then comes divorce. and a new lifestyle. and a new relationship. and i was determined to remember who i was. but what if i really didn't know who i was? what if it was time for me to change? i tried new things, let myself bend a little. let myself get lost in a life i hadn't known before and allowed some room for learning. but then i began to realize - the only learning i was doing was learning how to ignore myself. i didn't need more "who am i?" experiences. i didn't need to test and try and consider.

i already know who i am. i know what i want. i know how i like my eggs. my coming out wasn't a doorway to discovering myself, it was just another small step in the discovering i had already done.

i know i'll never stop growing. growing up, growing younger, wiser, sillier, etc. but i know that for where i'm at in life i have a pretty firm handle on 'me'. and this morning while lying in my mom's guest bed i began thinking about the little things that entails.

.......

ok. i was going to list some of those little things. but post-waffle breakfast my brain has gone blank. and plus, isn't this just the most egotistical blog ever? so maybe i don't need to post facts about myself....
maybe later.

happy mlk day!