home is whenever i'm with you

you can't find home with someone else until you're home with yourself first.

i'm finding myself home. alone. and relearning how to live this way.
one rarely plans to be alone. and even if you look forward to a night alone you end up finding it...lonely. imagine that.
i felt ready.
i felt it was time.
i came here voluntarily.
i came here knowing this is where i needed to be.

part of this is cherished.
the "do-what-you-want-when-you-want-with-no-questions-asked" part.
but then i look around and my apartment is empty. the walls are blank. i haven't put myself on them. i haven't spilled out here. i haven't made it mine.
that's when the other part shows up. the bitter lonely. as much as it hurts, i open the door and usher him in.

i don't feel like drinking
i'm breaking and mending
feeling this fully
each rip, each tear.
each stitch and suture

i can see the light ahead, its within reach. i can touch it. i can feel its warmth. i can feel its promise, its sweet kiss and comforting hold. 
but for today i'm alone.
for today my tears will roll down, falling onto my chest and covering my heart.
for today i am learning to be home with myself.

its not pretty, and that's okay with me.