relief

i have one more week to pack!!! woo-hoo!!!! and one more week to throw stuff away. and unfortunately one more week in stillwater. but it'll be good. this is good. although now i must reeaaaally try to keep from procrastinating.
but for today it's okay. i went for a little walk around my 'neighborhood' and took some photos.

ahhh outdoors!

it's that time again...again?

so, i've already mentioned that i'm moving. it seems like i just did this! but here's the fun part - i'm moving this saturday!!!  i didn't really find out my move date for sure until Monday when the apartment office said "yeah, the girl wants your place!" and at the time i was laid up on my couch with whatever sickness it was that made my life feel like a black hole for a bit. so needless to say, nothing is packed. and its wednesday!

-breathe-

i came home from work ready to start my packing rampage only to be greeted by a shade of blue. its true i never really unpacked myself in this apartment. its true this has been sort of a holding place for me while i transition from this to that to the other. but now as i begin to re-pack the little pieces of my heart into boxes and imagine setting them out someplace else i'm realizing - this has been my home for a time. and i will miss it.

i made such gigantic changes here. i had to learn to stand for myself here. i re-learned to sleep alone. i lived and loved here, laughed and wept. i escaped from this place and returned to it for refuge. maybe i didn't ever completely unpack or decorate the walls with my heart, but its been mine anyway. and maybe vacant walls were what i needed for this time in my life. i embrace change, but my heart always feels the stretching. 

wants

so i'm going through my pc documents and come across a folder "writings."
and there i found a list of "i wants" i had, written on 1.29.2010 - almost a year ago!

so, here's the list...

I want to:

-buy a Canon 5D MKII

-find myself in my photography

-get my shoulder tattoos

-shave my head

-do a photography project alone or with friends

-have an organized & inspirational workspace

-have at least one baby with preston, with a natural birth

-adopt foreign babie(s) who need a home

-visit (at least) New York, Italy, Japan, Thailand, China

-learn Spanish, Italian, German, French & Gaelic

-live outside the US for at least two years

-stay in shape at any age

-run a marathon

-ride in a hot air balloon

-go sky diving

-own birds again (someday when we don’t have cats)

i think its so funny! so, in the past year (which flew by and i'm surprised i got anything at all done) i actually did 3 of those things! i shaved my head, got one of the shoulder tattoos i wanted, did a photo project.

i do find it encouraging...or reaffirming maybe(?)...that the rest of these "wants" are still the same. after probably the biggest life change i could probably make this past year i find it comforting that i'm still ME.  i figure it means i really do want these things. they're not really trivial things, any of them. they are life things. {now, obviously the baby thing is gonna happen a little differently than i was planning a year ago...but still.}

this year i'll work on more of my list - more specifically the learning languages, hopefully some traveling, and staying in shape. and maybe more! marathon? hmm. we'll see. but now i have more to add to the list as well...but that's another blog.

ok! just for fun, how about some photos from one year ago?!

 seriously!?! this was a year ago??

MGMT "Kids"

*sigh*

learning about me

you know that movie Runaway Bride?! of course you do. so, roberts' character is lovely and amazing but just can't seem to identify herself apart from whatever significant other she's with at the time. she doesn't even know how she likes her freakin eggs!!  i feel like i've had a bit of that dilemma. but only a tiny bit.

in my six year marriage i assimilated with my husband a lot. that's what you do when you're married, or in any relationship really. but unlike most other divorcees i can say that he gave me full and complete room to be myself. i wasn't criticized when i decided it was time to dye my hair black, slather black paint on my nails and pretend i was a bad ass. he didn't laugh at me when i cut my hair short and took emo photos all day. or when i cried at The Notebook. or when decided to start saving bags and bags and bags of bottle caps. he just let me be. and maybe he laughed when i made a fool of myself, but i always welcome that. and he always reassured me. when it came to trying new things and discovering myself he never made me feel less than perfectly-imperfect-me.

but then comes divorce. and a new lifestyle. and a new relationship. and i was determined to remember who i was. but what if i really didn't know who i was? what if it was time for me to change? i tried new things, let myself bend a little. let myself get lost in a life i hadn't known before and allowed some room for learning. but then i began to realize - the only learning i was doing was learning how to ignore myself. i didn't need more "who am i?" experiences. i didn't need to test and try and consider.

i already know who i am. i know what i want. i know how i like my eggs. my coming out wasn't a doorway to discovering myself, it was just another small step in the discovering i had already done.

i know i'll never stop growing. growing up, growing younger, wiser, sillier, etc. but i know that for where i'm at in life i have a pretty firm handle on 'me'. and this morning while lying in my mom's guest bed i began thinking about the little things that entails.

.......

ok. i was going to list some of those little things. but post-waffle breakfast my brain has gone blank. and plus, isn't this just the most egotistical blog ever? so maybe i don't need to post facts about myself....
maybe later.

happy mlk day!

random thursday, jan 13, 2011

- {delayed reaction} 20-what?!?! i can't believe its 2011! "two-thousand eleven" is how i say it, even if it is longer. "twenty-eleven" just doesn't make sense to me. and in my nonsensical life i need something to hang on to, right?!

- maybe its the cold weather, or the absolute & total loss of color in my skin that has caused it, but i have become obsessed with going back to cancun. now i understand why my dad went around for the majority of 2010 proclaiming "CANCUN, BABY!!!"

- i'm moving back to the OKC area!!!! i'm ready to be back near my family and pretty much 85% of my friends. i have lived in stillwater now for over 10 years!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!! - we need to emphasize those) i never thought i would be there that long. or that i would be leaving alone. but i'm where i need to be and i'm excited about the change.

- still thinking about that photo project (of some sort) i wanna do. i started to make sure i'm taking a photo/day just in case i go with the good ol' basic 365 project. still can't decide. i have a feeling if i did that i would probably just end up taking lots of photos of nothing just to meet the one-a-day quota. i'm more creative than that! but i would most likely do something as uninspired as such just to spite myself for making the commitment.

- i bought three dresses today. two that look like my usual sort (casual & to be worn with jeans). but the other one....i mean, look at this thing!!!! obviously my uterus hi-jacked my brain while perusing at ross and decided that since i've been wearing boys boxer briefs for a while that we should balance the scale with something hyper-feminine. and reddd!

 (like my blue laundry basket?! i thought so. we've been together since college)

(...you can also tell where he has been sitting in the carpet until right before the photo. classic.)

- i know i have more randomness but i think you've suffered enough for this week...

goodnight!

project?

I ALMOST FORGOT!!!

i'm also thinking of doing another photo project. how annoying is the photo-a-day project? anyone try it yet? i'm considering it. just to make sure i'm documenting everything i'm doing/going through/feeling. i might start it. although i feel like a loser for not starting on the 1st, i'll just make up for it. somehow.

tuesdays

so, i didn't mean to scare anyone with my last post. i debated on whether i really wanted people seeing my hideous sobbing photo...but felt like sharing it just for the sake of transparency. almost immediately after posting i received a call from my dad, spurred on by my step-mom. oops! i'm coolio, yo!

today was better, as tuesdays usually are for me. monday is a long day at work and that usually contributes to a bit too much time in my head. a bit, a lot, a tremendous amount too much...

so now i'm ready. i know i'm still healing but today i just feel ready...for lots of things.


like the shroomies? these were taken with my grandpa's camera (which i'm borrowing) by someone, sometime. i like them!

home is whenever i'm with you

you can't find home with someone else until you're home with yourself first.

i'm finding myself home. alone. and relearning how to live this way.
one rarely plans to be alone. and even if you look forward to a night alone you end up finding it...lonely. imagine that.
i felt ready.
i felt it was time.
i came here voluntarily.
i came here knowing this is where i needed to be.

part of this is cherished.
the "do-what-you-want-when-you-want-with-no-questions-asked" part.
but then i look around and my apartment is empty. the walls are blank. i haven't put myself on them. i haven't spilled out here. i haven't made it mine.
that's when the other part shows up. the bitter lonely. as much as it hurts, i open the door and usher him in.

i don't feel like drinking
i'm breaking and mending
feeling this fully
each rip, each tear.
each stitch and suture

i can see the light ahead, its within reach. i can touch it. i can feel its warmth. i can feel its promise, its sweet kiss and comforting hold. 
but for today i'm alone.
for today my tears will roll down, falling onto my chest and covering my heart.
for today i am learning to be home with myself.

its not pretty, and that's okay with me.

2010

so...here was my 2010 {in photos}

january - i <3 my sanuks

and warm sunlight in the winter

wuthering heights and earl gray

frozen yogurt with my ames

February - putting my artwork & jewelry in the Dusky Jewel (Paseo District)

photo project day

fun snow shots

and dirty feet

March - nature began again

baths, bubbles & wine

traces

reflection

capturing the things that count

and some randomness too

remembering where i am

April - looking at what's around me that i don't always see

new glasses

yummy saturday breakfasts

five fingers and coming back to earth

appreciation for the small things

May - coffee with loves

every day details

growth

becoming

June - roller derby!

and lovely bruises

moving, packing, changing

the smallest dog i've ever held

July - coming out

friends and birthdays

practice war wounds

solitude

and booty shorts haha!

August - lunch dates

new places

family

redefining

looking through new eyes

loving

September - meeting new lives

cancun

i mean really, what else can i say but "CANCUN!"

escape

happiness

 

brother love

self love (keep your mind outta the gutter please, i'm being serious)

 

friend silliness

October - living, doing & seeing (and a camera death)

wanting to steal meerkats from the zoo

November - new point & shoot camera!

hats & ear bones! (that my mother was very disappointed with)

friends & derby bouts

out, about & around

learning to love myself, dork and all

December - music, mix cds & forgetfulness

photos that can't NOT be taken

crafty time

yay for fire!!

christmas dinner with people i love

2011 - i'm ready. but i'm not waiting. i'm jumping right on in.