absent

do you ever feel absent from your own body? absent-minded. absent-hearted.
that's me, these past few weeks. i run run run my days and then still forget a million things. i forget to bring my lunch to school. i forget to mail my bill, again. i forget to bring my book to class. day to day things. but then i find that i forget to show Rae how thankful i am for everything he is and does for me. i forget to keep in touch with friends i've been thinking of. i forget to slow down and be thankful for what i have. and i feel i've abandoned my heart in the rush. and then when its coming to mind and heart all that i've forgotten, i forget to forgive myself.
its most likely that less of that part is forgetting and more punishment, because i somehow feel i deserve it. but if there is one thing i have learned these past months - you must allow room for yourself. whatever room you need. to grow, to heal, to feel what you feel, and to be imperfect. this is still, and may always be, the hardest lesson for this little perfectionist.

but there are always things to remind me i'm good enough, and that i can do and be anything i want with room allowed for imperfection.

 like dressing up as celebrities at school and laughing with friends (I'm Ellen!)

 coffee and slow mornings to ourselves

my babies

 projects that turn out just like you want them to

Rae. and our home. and all our plans.