learning

sometimes it seems that life suddenly dumps the basket of "hard" on you all at once. the balance that i had been feeling for the past few months, the peace, the quiet - it inexplicably vanished.

the past couple weeks have been -hard-

its not that i was expecting this to be easy. i knew this would be hard, life is hard sometimes. but i figured at least the bulk of that would be external. wrong! so maybe its not so inexplicable at all. i let my head get to me. i always do. and i was so proud of myself lately for not over-thinking. it starts with a thought and i dig it into a huge black hole and jump straight in. occasionally i surface and realize that i'm wasting my time.

so i'm learning to listen and let go and live. learning to use my brain for its intended use - rational thought, my soul for guidance, my heart for healing and loving. its an odd process - ripping yourself open in certain places for complete examination, and sewing yourself up for healing in others. its a whole-soul soreness.

i remember dates too well

it was two years ago today (oct 6) that preston and i stood on a cliff on Inishmore, one of the Aran Islands off the coast of Ireland.  together we biked around the island in the mist, soaking up every detail possible before our ferry returned. our hearts were at home.

october has always been my favorite month for so many reason (really, i don't need to list them because i'm pretty sure you agree with me, right?!) but then taking the most amazing trip within the month has just intensified my nostalgia.

so for the past six days i've been swirling in memories of irish stew on the coast in doolin while soaked to the bone, slainte! playing in streets, gray skies, green fields, velvety guinness in a warmly lit pub. they mix with the left over details from before: high school love, cross country races and wet grass in the morning, runs with cat and orange leaves beneath our feet.

and it's all coming back to me today. i'm off work, going to court to sign the final divorce papers. sadness mixes with hope and my heart is treading carefully. i'll leave no memory behind. there is nothing here i would care to forget. we'll all be okay.

i promise.

my blog is still alive. really. 

here...photos!? better explains my current life.

 long shutters. you can barely see me.

 rain

lovely rain

 learning new games

mmmmmm

shaving heads

chill time

soon i'll have something more important to say. for now my thoughts are mine.