the years

    Fall semester time again! The weather is getting closer to perfection (slowly). And there’s that smell in the air each morning when I’m on my way to work. To me it’s the smell of love, school, new beginnings. It was 10 years ago that I came to college. TEN YEARS AGO!?!?!!!!!!!! whoa.
    I was by myself, save my high school boyfriend that came to school here too but somehow remained mostly separate from me in my freshman experience. I met by best friend Cat over a pee cup…drinking water until we had to pee bad enough to overcome our modesty (since NCAA Division I required everyone to be watched while urinating for drug tests).
    I had my teammates, practice twice a day, classes to attend, church on Sunday, and my heart to discover. I became myself away from my family and high school friends, away from my high school boyfriend and the expectations that followed me for 18 years until this point. I could be who I wanted to be, go where I wanted, and do what I wished (as long as it didn’t interfere with training of course). It was an invigorating era of possibilities.
    Even though its been ten years I feel that I’m there again. At least in my mind. This time there’s no school, no cross country team, no scholarship to pay for life. But I do have friends – long term soul friends that know me and will be with me forever. I’m closer to my family. I’m closer to myself and I know who I am. I know what I want, and what I don’t. I know what I believe, and why. I’m still the same random, kooky girl with a violent streak and a romantic soul, but 10 years grown. Not quite as green, wiser (at least I hope), clearer and more confident. Perhaps a bit more jaded, but determined not to hide behind my walls. Ready for life, whatever it brings.

the weekend

this will be the weekend. he is moving out. the past 6 weeks haven't been the easiest, but we've had time to get adjusted to what will be happening. we've had time to be apart, but not apart.
so now its looming ahead, the day he moves out and we'll really be apart. it will be sad, the closing of a chapter. hell, more than a chapter. its the closing of a book! i'm not sure where the next book will pick up, where readers might find me. soon we'll see.

a life change

i've been a hermit lately. and i've emerged from the dark cave of blogging solitude to be open with you. i'm going through a life change. after 6 years of marriage my husband and i are splitting. its been a very emotional and tearful time these past weeks. but i needed to be honest with myself, with him, with family and friends. and now with you. 

i suppose this would be a coming out blog. so here it is. here i am. i like girls. attracted to girls, that is. i've never particularly liked them which is funny, but that's another issue. it took me basically forever to admit. and its the hardest thing i've ever done, especially considering it meant i would be ending my marriage. this isn't taken lightly and i'm not looking for anyone's sympathy. or attention. or criticism.

i'm the same person. i have the same heart. the same soul.

think what you will. approval or disapproval. i'm listening to that deep, quiet voice inside. from the depths of my heart and the pit of my stomach, i'm following the serene lead. my heart aches for what i will be missing, for preston and for our broken relationship. its going to take a while to figure out where to go, what to do, how to continue. and for now that's all there is to tell...

Tiësto feat. Tegan & Sara - Feel It In My Bones

oh dear. how i love this.