something shara

another little man

2012-02-05T19:24:00.000-06:00

This is Hayden Ray at 1 month old <3

its baby time

2012-01-31T12:34:00.000-06:00

If you're friends with me on facebook then I'm sure you've already seen these....but here are some shots of my little nephew Samuel at 1 month in on his amazing life!

preparation

2012-01-20T07:10:00.000-06:00

We all procrastinate from time to time. Or for some of us, from day to day, hour to hour. I've long let my Aries self slide in this respect, "its just who I am!" And I do have a little bit of pride when I say that for the most part I've lived haphazardly and fly by the seat of my pants a lot. But when it comes down to making your dreams come true, creating the life you want, its either do or say. Go or stay. I can talk about my plans till the sun comes up, and sets and comes up a million more times. Or I can shut up and just do it. Research it. Plan it. Set all my mind, heart and energy to it.
My main problem (other than just plain laziness of course) has been that I have an all-or-nothing-eggs-in-one-basket-completely-emersed-in-one-thing sort of attention span. I feel deeply. I experience deeply. And because of that the feeling/experience is usually centered on one single thing/person/idea. I am consumed by one thing at a time. So, here goes trying to spread. Sit on the surface of many things without getting completely lost in just one. Living today and planning tomorrow all at once. I can do this.
Anyone else feeling the same?!

Here are a few photos from a walk Rae and I took on Martin Luther King Jr. day, and then I'm off to be productive. :)

Cheers to Friday!

2011

2012-01-02T18:13:00.001-06:00

I've always heard that years seem to pass more quickly with age. Sometimes I think that must be true, as this last one seemed only a few blinks long...at least in physical matters and locality. Time flew. But in heart, soul and mind its been nearly an eternity.
My New Years Eve 2010 was spent with friends and acquaintances. It was spent with realization and revelation. 2011 was welcomed with promise. It would be a year of motion and growth and renewal. I knew it, I could feel it coming.
I knew it would be uncomfortable at times, and it definitely was for a while. The first few months were a constant cycle of battling with myself. The person I was wasn't in step with the person I felt like I was, and definitely not the person I wanted to be. We were three separate entities fighting for my life to live. My heart sat beneath my stomach for some months, before climbing back to its rightful place. But even then it remained untouchable for a time. I learned, I listened. I gave in to temptation a few times and immediately regretted it. I lost and gained and lost again. I reached the closest I have ever been to the bottom of myself. By this time I had moved "home" to my grandparents house and began to re-root myself in the safest place I knew. Inside that wooden frame with my grandparents' souls, with the old creaks and moans, I strengthened.
I began meeting that person I wanted to become. I found her in those peach colored walls, where she sat calm and wise, watching over my sleep. In my garden's tending, beneath the earth where my carrots formed and grew. I found her in my flowerbed flourishing with the petunias. With the setting of every evenings sun I became more of her.
So everything that followed was air from this runway. Leaving the bank, deciding on cosmetology school, meeting my person, making my own niche (thus far) with hair...on and on. This year has been my best. My favorite, I should say, as I haven't always been at my best. I've been my worst, and my best as well. I exited this year full and thankful. {Full and thankful enough that even working through the midnight cheers while my love slept didn't bother me much.} :)

and now for my visual rep of these last 12 months for you visual folks (myself included)...

january

{solitude, leaving}

february

{the move, more solitude and self pity}

march

{morning toast and tea, with a side of silence}

april

{garden time, growth, from the ground up}

may

{garden, rae, school, etc etc ETC! wow, this month was SO full, but the carrot covers it all}

june

{school!}

july

{rae comes home from Africa - safely- }

august

{carrot, reflection}

setpember

{blonde - that was a big deal for this brunette}

october

{Taos & Santa Fe, enough said}

november

{gardening @ Common Wealth, giving ourselves}

december

{this deserves two photos: a new baby, my first nephew!}

{and home, happily at home}

Happy New Year, everyone!

pizza for "old" people

2011-12-15T07:48:00.002-06:00

I will happily admit that Rae and I conduct our lives like elderly people. Haha! We are up by 6am, home and settled in for cooking dinner by 6pm, and in bed by 10pm. And we love it! We get out when we can, but cooking at home has helped us save so much $$ when we needed to do so in the past few weeks and now we've become accustomed to our evenings in together.
Since I'm not the cook Rae whips up all our meals, first plan then execution. So the other night we did pizza...probably my favorite and most fun meal we do!

"dusty" flour floor

yummmm!

morning sun

2011-11-29T08:51:00.001-06:00

Today I am out of class. I got up with Rae at 6:30, as usual, and have enjoyed this morning too much to waste any time by going back to sleep. Here's to a new day! A day for life and renewal, creativity and reflection. A day just for me.

You have a lovely day, too!

thanks giving

2011-11-25T08:25:00.000-06:00

I won't be shy about it - I have the best life.
I have the best love, my person who supports me and cheers me on every day. Not one second has passed since we met that I have doubted where we stand, where I stand in Rae's life, or how I am adored. Not one second. My life-journey-partner-lover-friend. I am home here.
I have the best friends. Most of them are old friends, ones that stay with you through all your craziness. Each playing their own part, adding certain things to certain parts of life. Friends who reemerged after years of silence, college friends, walk-on-break-at-the-job-we-hate friends, friends you meet through other friends, friends who moved away in body only. My life would be so different if even one of them was not a part of me.
I have the best family. My parents love me and I've never doubted it. My brothers haven't disowned me after all those years of taunting and torture, on the contrary, they love me.

There are plenty of things I could say that I still want, as I'm human, but living with "want" is not how I will choose to conduct my days. I have more than I need, more than I could ask for. The word "thankful" barely covers it. The best part being that I recognize and feel this fullness every day.

urban farming

2011-11-19T15:58:00.002-06:00

I begin this entry with a long, calming sigh. This morning Rae and I went to help out at the CommonWealth Urban Farm again. We found out about this local garden being nurtured in the backyards of houses very near ours in Oklahoma City just a few weeks ago and were eager to help.

{A quick back story/redirection of this little blog space: I began this blog a couple years ago with the intent of keeping it as a "get to know me" section of my photo & design website. And as it goes I seemed to post more "life" statements than business. Which I'm fine with. But thus far this little blog space has been a random collection of all the random things I am/love/do/enjoy. Which is also fine if you enjoy keeping up with it. I would like to be a bit more directed in my writings about where my life is going, but we'll see what happens.}

My life (and, in turn, this blog) consists of my loves: photography, cosmetology school, growth, gardening and all things earth and quiet reflection. Then of course Rae, family and friends, being most important. My 2011 year began with my independence. Moving away from the life I had in Stillwater, starting over at "home" in my grandparents' house, formulating and creating a life that was wholly mine. I began building this picture of how I wanted to live, and started right away. I continued my recycling, began gardening, drank more tea, let my soul spread out on the land that I was tending.
My vision has been to live a sustainable life. This has been growing for years, but as I moved into a house with a yard the desire for such multiplied. A desire to farm, garden, respect, appreciate and tend the earth to harvest my needs. Support local everything - art, food, music, business. My hair career will go anywhere with me, and allow me the time to garden, photograph whatever I fancy, and have a family. I want to carry my baby on my back as I harvest our food. Raise a conscious and informed child, without robbing them of the due innocence of that time. I long to nurture and care for my family, our pets, our land, and everyone I encounter. I felt everything in me that was resting for so long now flourishing with produce (hence, my carrot tattoo.) My soil was feeling ready.
Then I met Rae, who had the same vision I did, a shared vision for life. It was recognized between us so quickly and organically. And so we continue this journey together.

Our current life consists of this:
-recycling, reducing our output of waste, and reusing what we can
-purchasing all food products locally and/or organically (or retrieved from the dumpster, if possible)
-purchasing other daily needs with conscious effort to support local and small business.
-keep a low consumer profile (i.e. we try hard not to buy things we don't need or have room for, being minimalist in possessions)
-learning to garden, compost, and harvest
-planning our family (yep, not just us and the cats....)
-paying off debt and saving money for the future

So CommonWealth garden is our new Saturday morning thing. I worked at the pub last night until 2am so when 8am rolled around and bushy-tailed Rae was ready to garden I put on quite a pitiful show of whining and moaning. But I got up and had my coffee. And by the time we were moving wood piles to make room for another compost pile I was deliriously happy to be outside instead of in bed. To be learning and growing and preparing for our future.

starting another compost pile

the carbon (brush) to cover the nitrogen (rotten fruits, veggies & other green items)

winterizing the beds

rotten produce from a local grocery - its still so gorgeous!

sifting to get all the compost

spoils we brought home from the donated "trash" produce

fallen leaves

2011-11-18T08:00:00.000-06:00

oh my. time. life. how things change and stay the same. the cold air and fallen leaves are reminding me of where i was last year at this time. in another city, with another job, another partner, another life. i was moving forward and could feel the current changing, just couldn't see around the bend yet. i had no idea i would land here. i hadn't even imagined being in hair school, waiting tables on the weekend, reserving my photography for myself, or planning a family.
i look back now, remembering my apartment in Stillwater, the separation and change from the life i had been living for seven years. a new start. and starting with such shakiness. the fears, the tears, all the things i held on to, they flood back with this fall air. the crappy bar i would hang out at just to be near someone. the drives i would take, the music i was finding solace in. i remember these suddenly and then just as quickly feel how it all has passed. like fallen leaves, these emotional memories, they're no longer attached to your soul. soon enough they'll be swept away in the wind, recycled by the earth into something usable.

i love this season for so many reasons, and this is just another one. here's to change, growth, renewal!

v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n

2011-10-28T21:56:00.010-05:00

*long sighhhhh*
back from vacation. rae planned a trip (a master trip planner too, i might add). i was treated to 3 nights of camping and a night at an amazing spa, all in Taos and Santa Fe, New Mexico. it was the best trip - ever - !!!!! nature, a bota box of malbec, cold nights, warm days, spa treatments and my best friend. 4 nights, 5 days. perfection.

Ten Thousand Waves

we couldn't resist bringing home some cottonwood

absent

2011-10-14T19:51:00.001-05:00

do you ever feel absent from your own body? absent-minded. absent-hearted.
that's me, these past few weeks. i run run run my days and then still forget a million things. i forget to bring my lunch to school. i forget to mail my bill, again. i forget to bring my book to class. day to day things. but then i find that i forget to show Rae how thankful i am for everything he is and does for me. i forget to keep in touch with friends i've been thinking of. i forget to slow down and be thankful for what i have. and i feel i've abandoned my heart in the rush. and then when its coming to mind and heart all that i've forgotten, i forget to forgive myself.
its most likely that less of that part is forgetting and more punishment, because i somehow feel i deserve it. but if there is one thing i have learned these past months - you must allow room for yourself. whatever room you need. to grow, to heal, to feel what you feel, and to be imperfect. this is still, and may always be, the hardest lesson for this little perfectionist.

but there are always things to remind me i'm good enough, and that i can do and be anything i want with room allowed for imperfection.

like dressing up as celebrities at school and laughing with friends (I'm Ellen!)

coffee and slow mornings to ourselves

my babies

projects that turn out just like you want them to

Rae. and our home. and all our plans.

the oldest thing i know

2011-09-28T20:57:00.003-05:00

tonight i arrive home to an empty house, as i have been doing lately. i air up the back tire of your bike with surprising ease, as yesterday's attempt at it had ended in frustrated failure. off we go, Finn and I. i aim him downtown. he takes me there flying.
we pass the memorial where everyone is hushed. pass the construction.
dirt, sand, broken gravel = grit in my eyes when the bus passes.
we round the block near IAO Gallery, and head back west. i soar over sidewalks and slow to observe the circular brick patterns in the ground near a sitting area. i feel you there, as i feel you everywhere. i sent you a photo with a caption about how i wished you could be with me to see the evening light fading. but i realize, as my data launches into space, you did. you see everything i see. i take you everywhere i go.
when i looked up from between the buildings, through the trees lining the street, and watched the birds fly up and away as if just for me, you saw them too. the sun setting over the horizon. the deep rumble and overwhelming sense of size as a train passed over me on the bridge. the smell of damp tree bark and watered lawns. you saw, felt, heard. everything i hold inside me is sorted by your soul each night. inventory of our lives.

"at night falling asleep they dream the same dream, where they watch fire move along a rope that binds them together" -Anne Carson

you sent this to me in a text once, saying I reminded you of that quote. our rope stretched taut and thickened by the day when you were in Africa. you were thousands of miles away, we were new. but i feel it as much now as i felt it then. the same as i have felt you my whole life. so according to time we're still "new," but you will always be the newest and oldest thing i know.

(pretty sure you hate this photograph, but i love it)

revival of inspiration

2011-09-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

yesterday i did the September photo shoot for The Painted Dolls! the theme was "of the earth." the weather was perfect and i had my lovely assistant for the day/fellow photographer/hair-schoolmate Sam there to rock the reflector and make it all happen. i couldn't be happier with my images. i'm posting just a few!

this shoot has given me a fresh lungful of inspiring air. for so long i did shoots i wasn't that interested in just so i could build up my clientele. boredom soon set it and i found myself unmotivated to pick up my camera at all between assignments. this past year has been one of allowance, especially in this area. i allowed myself time away from "building" my business. no more pushing or bending. instead i decided to let it lie. and beneath the resting place where i left it, i am finding fertile ground.

days

2011-09-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

i am feeling at a loss with words lately. thoughts even. it began to frustrate me, and was saddeing. but i've been reflecting on all the feeling i've had to do in this past year and have concluded that there are periods of life meant for only that. feeling. being in touch with the parts of life that are occasionally word-less.

i'll not feel guilty for lacking the words or motivation to write. i'll not get down on myself for letting books go unfinished, or news articles be unread. i'll not be frustrated when the things (whatever you want to call them) inside swirl around my head in a hurry before burying themselves deep in the soil.

all these seeds of heart and soul and growth will sprout when they mature. and only when they have grown above the earth can they make any impression on their surroundings. patience, always.

now for some photos...

resisting

(blonde! for now...)

august

2011-08-30T12:48:00.000-05:00

wow. i'm slightly ashamed of the fact that its the end of the month and i'm posting another "whoa, this month flew by" sort of blogs. geeeez! ah well. what i can say about that is:

1) i have been busy living, loving, coming, going, doing, being, and still becoming.
2) i hope everyone experiences such life periods where, at least for a moment, they don't feel the need to keep up with anyone but themselves.

so...august. new classes in hair school. new job for the weekends. new home.
i'm now taking guests on my own during the week in school! yippeee! on my weekends i'm serving food & drinks at a local pub. {i'll just mention here how much i <3 beer, and i will be continuing my "beer (yummm)" category of blogs soon.} i finally moved my babies with me into my love's apartment. last night was our first night all together and it felt like a very sweet sigh. the rushing current of this existence has merged our waters. we flow together now, naturally.

finally got my carrot tattoo!

rae & joey playing at the deli

night time driving camera fun

coffee & cream mornings

and unwelcome morning photographs

kitty games

lunch dates

together

evenings

cheers for September!

july

2011-07-29T18:23:00.001-05:00

july was a blur! quickly passing. rae, class, working, photographing home births and engagements and pregnant tummies, editing all my june weddings and ! *whew*

my {very rare} free hours are spent photo-editing and recharging. when i begin to get frantic about my lack of time i just imagine those hours i spent just letting myself be. i deserved those hours, days, months. and i cherished every moment knowing that i would soon be starting something new and staying busy (although at the time i didn't know exactly what that would be.) i know this is exactly what i need. i'm re-learning time management....or at least attempting to. haha!

anyway, here are some shots of late...

my final mens haircut! yay!

also - passed my core cosmetology class with flying colors! on to taking customers! agh!

kitty stalking

carrot pulling/water hose attacking!

all i gotsta say is....

2011-07-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

rae is home. safe. healing. resting.

i am catching up on photo work.

soaking in this life.

i am drenched in loving.

and being loved.

(also, happy 4th!)

energy

2011-06-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

i want to apologize for my recent absence, friends. since starting hair school life has been *crazy!*
in addition, i am currently putting all my energy toward getting Rae home for medical treatment for a leg wound sustained the first week in Africa. i had a lovely chat today with my sister friend rashel about positive energy and soul and spirit. it is amazing, this feeling - amidst the scariest thing i have ever felt i am comforted, hushed. the energy within me has been flourishing lately and for this i am giving all of it. protection for my loved one, safety, health, and peace.

today

2011-06-17T18:51:00.000-05:00

today:
i woke up on time
i got to chat with Rae (in Ghana) over facebook chat before his weekend travels
i did my first hair wash on my hair doll (who i named Coleman)
i performed my first roller set
had the most amazing grilled cheese & carrot cake lunch
bought some more black clothes for school and work

~~today = good~~

no, today = amazing

as i was washing Coleman's hair today it felt so natural, like i've done it before. i know, its just a hair washing - technically i haaaave done it thousands of times before on myself. but washing someone else (especially a detached head) is different. and it felt good. while doing my roller set i was thinking "i have no idea what i'm doing!!! omagaaah, how did i get into hair school?! this is crazy!?"
crazy, and loving it. every day since i started i can't help but wonder why it took me so long to get on this train. i went for so long considering it, but i suppose now was the perfect time. it feels like my perfect path. life, i love you.

coleman, waiting

post-wash

roller set!

break time with fellow newbie students! (yes, by the dumpster)

in unison

2011-06-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

my hair school instructor showed this video today. i've seen flash-mob stuff before, but for some reason the music + the magnitude + my thoughts lately have made this one more significant for me. as i watched it this morning i stared in awe, nearly teary-eyed in class just thinking of the implications of people working together. so i've been watching this at home, and i can't seem to get through it without crying.

something about the crowd, the movement, the message. one person, then a few, then a few thousand. just think of what we can do when in unison!
i've had a back-and-forth struggle with this thought today. feeling big in my own life - master of my destiny - truly happy - making changes that i can make on my own. but also feeling small and heavy-hearted with the knowledge of the human condition. there are countries full of drowning souls. poverty, racism, violence. there is so much we cannot touch. i feel gratitude and guilt almost equally. i realize i can't start anywhere else, but here. i'll play my role, you play yours.and if we're all moving in unison we'll see what we can do.

may this always continue

2011-06-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

whoa. so, those past few weeks of "me" time i was able to wallow in were for goooood reason! holy hell! it's only day 2 of school and i'm already aching for a break. its not that school is hard, on the contrary actually. its just a lot of information, a lot of people, and a lot of stimulation. and then work at night. plus my last "free" day was spent in bed with a yuck stomach, which i still haven't shaken off and haven't been able to consume a full meal since. then there are weddings i need to process, bottle cap orders i need to fill, photos i need to make backups of, books i'd like to read...etc. but, i'm NOT complaining. just processing, and planning. and taking all my little moments to breathe. this is the life i want, and i'm loving it even if it feels 60 mph.

hair school at imagine-paul mitchell has been amazing so far. the first day was so affirming - beginning with being applauded as i entered the building and walked the corridor of clapping fellow students to my classroom. i'm in core class for 6 weeks and we started out going over the usual conduct information, but spent a lot of time on becoming who you want to be and figuring out your learning style. it was a flood of positivity and encouragement, everything that i have been feeling flowing through my life already just reverberated in this program. i love my instructor (who i knew from the Vine Salon & More that i frequented and had art hanging at in stillwater). the actual info we have started going over isn't too hard yet, but i shouldn't speak too quickly as tomorrow we learn to do finger waves. i've heard the stories. wish these little fingers luck. :)

in other life news, i am connected with someone who is currently in Ghana, Africa. yep, this lovely human being here (Rae) --->

is working in the human rights office in Ghana, designing a training program to help educate teachers and volunteers for their role in reintegrating kids rescued from trafficking into their communities. they are also working on educating the local high school students about basic human rights issues. short sum for some very big work. there is so so sooo much more to it than i will attempt to explain, and so much more i haven't even heard yet. but it blows me away.
i only met Rae a handful of weeks ago, but i have not been the same since. i am constantly challenged, inspired, stretched. i aspire to change things, even if its just within my own life. don't we all know, in the end, we all have the capacity to change another life just by living our own passionately?! we all have our parts, roles we play. i know i'm in mine, where i need to be, because i'm stretching now.
stretching, unfolding, changing. every day. and may this always continue.

out, around, and home.

2011-06-11T16:04:00.000-05:00

sometimes life catches you by surprise. you realize what matters, what you want, who you are. days go by and you give due time to the necessities and then reserve the rest for your soul. heart time. days without watches or clocks, computers or electrical connections. you just live.
i've had that time and now i'm back for a while. back to catch up on photography jobs, document my thoughts, or lack thereof, reorganize my changing life. i start school on tuesday. i'll be busy with finding a way to keep my job(s) while in school, working on my weddings i've just photographed, and adjusting to a whole new 40 hr/week life. here goes nothin'. here goes something, everything.

rae

yummm

luna moth at norman art walk

kennedy

crop consternation

2011-05-26T19:50:00.000-05:00

after my first round of seed plantings were unsuccessful (blaming frost) i planted round two. but didn't think about labeling the rows. "ah, i'll remember what they are!"(...insert scoff here...)

my "herbs" had grown like crazy these past few weeks and i was grateful. but still a bit disappointed that the only thing i had were herbs. i had planted carrots, lettuce, strawberries, bell peppers and jalapenos. i've gotten one or two nice tiny strawberries, but that's it thus far.
so every day as i diligently watered i entertained just a bit of bitterness. herbs. hmm. sure. i'll use them. i'll water them. they're going to be the best damn herbs ever, because that's what's growing for me right now!

then yesterday as i watered i decided to pull up a little green shoot. i thought it was parsley. but noticed it was strangely familiar to the little carrots i had encountered at homeland the night before. lo and behold...when i pulled the green stalks....a gorgeous orange root did emerge from my earth.

*geek*

needless to say, i was ecstatic. i pranced from garden to house to garden, fetching my camera, bowls, and whatever else i might need for some happy-go-lucky-harvesting.

the whole situation made me think...how many things in our lives might we miss by neglecting to nourish what we think isn't productive? or at least not productive in the ways we would prefer? probably more than i'd like to admit, speaking for myself. but the past months have left me tending every last, lonely little plant. i have been paying more mind to nourishing myself in places i had for so long forgotten. the little things. but it felt right. so i did it. and now here's crop. carrots. peace. open doors. closed windows. perfection in timing and a little kiss on the cheek from the universe.

"hey kid, you're in the right place."

it's nearly unexplainable, this peace. this life.

ecstatic new earth momma

also, i found i have wild onions growing in my backyard, so i pulled up a handful of those as well. <3

* cheers to growth, harvest, diligence *

hushed

2011-05-22T21:30:00.001-05:00

i’ve been hushed.

my avid proclamations of self lowered to a mumble, and then to silence. i felt life stirring, the pulling of the undercurrent. so i let my little hands release the banked branch to which i had been holding. the river cradled and carried me away in its fluid arms.

tumbling, spinning, dancing underneath the surface of the water.

a soundtrack reverberates through my soul. raw banjo melodies, harmonicas and reedy voices.

something has changed. everything has changed.

barefoot and breathing

2011-05-18T13:56:00.000-05:00

i begin to wonder about this person i am becoming. this "me" that is evolving as everything inside me intertwines with all that is around me. it is frighteningly promising, but equally delicate. breakable. and i can tend to sabotage myself. i'm keeping myself inside this photograph, to rest. to learn. to listen.

Mumford & Sons - The Cave

2011-05-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

i was originally going to post another video...but as i was working this one came along. and it was more fitting. i <3 this whole album.

homecoming happiness

2011-05-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

as i mentioned before my kitty is home, and we are finding new joy in each others company. we've changed the dynamic that was in place for so many years past and now it seems we have a new life together. just the three of us, my kitties and i.

i hope changes like this are always possible in life.

absence, reemergence, forgiveness and moving forward.

realizing that holding on to past offenses only weakens the gait of our walk ahead.

i <3 lazy afternoon kitty yawns

* here's to changing, growing, loving *

happy sunday!

can i get a "heeelll yeah!"

2011-05-10T11:28:00.002-05:00

since i moved here i have been planning on getting a japanese maple for my front flower bed but had been waiting since the smallest ones i found were $40. this weekend i made the plunge, and to my surprise the tree rang up as $15! yay!! so while preparing to plant my tree yesterday my neighbor tells me that he has caught allie in his workshop! double yay!!!
so my baby kitty is home! she's skinny and dirty but she came home a new lady - she loves me! she was preston's cat and was still never fond of me after he moved but 4 weeks in the rough and i think she's grateful to be home. <3
mom came over to help me plant my tree. it was a perfect monday. i have my tree. i have my kitty.

also, more garden photos to come soon. i've done some moving & changing. i replaced my sunflowers with tomatoes, peppers and basil. and my strawberry plant is producing! yay!

my front flower bed!

my lovely new japanese red maple

by the end of my dirt day i turned off the water hose and stood here a minute at my fence to soak in all that is my home.

where i rest

2011-05-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

can you see the rainbow? <3

and the kaleidoscope turns yet again

2011-04-28T13:40:00.000-05:00

i got a call from the Paul Mitchell school yesterday and financial aid will completely cover my school expenses!!!!!!! yes, i'll be paying back a helluvalot in loans once classes are over....but i'll be a hair stylist by then!
when it comes to big decisions like this ("hmm....i think i wanna spend $16,000 and go to hair school!") i seem to jump in head first, no second thoughts. but i've been circling the gorge before the final plunge this time, just to be sure. but regardless of the obvious worries all i can say is that this road feels...fitting. delightfully fitting, actually.
i still want to do as much photo & design work as i can manage, and hopefully by the time i'm out of school i can support myself solely with my camera & shears. an artful life, documentation and creation. it feels colorful.
along with this, my usual comparison to life is my garden. the seeds i had replanted have finally emerged and have thoroughly enjoyed the rain. i'm still watering with my stored rainwater and am relieved to finally see some growth (in all aspects).

sad news: my allie still hasn't come home. =(
frankie is so so lonely, especially since i've been working out of the house more. and i know its only going to get worse when i start school. i've been thinking of getting him a buddy. i was watching some orientals on youtube and found this one that sounds so much like my little boy! (yes, i know, "alien-ish" is what you're probably thinking.) but i love it!

kaleidoscope

2011-04-25T12:25:00.001-05:00

i watched another home-birth video this morning. by the end of it there were tears rolling down my cheek, as usual. it makes me think about my life, if i will ever get to have kids. when, how, with whom...on and on. i think about my past years when "kid talk" was off limits and how i've suddenly come around. everything is changing and forming this new perfect path. all i can feel is a kaleidoscope.

this is Star FK Radium - "Blue Siberia"

rainy sunday photo drive

2011-04-24T21:26:00.001-05:00

perfect rainy day + drive around norman = fun finds

colorful flamingos hunting easter eggs!

colorful roof!

i just liked the sign

fun minty colored truck

i always love raindrops on glass

despite my ambivelance toward OU i really do love this town. i wasn't particularly an OSU fan either (i'm a terrible alumnus, i know) so i can be impartial and say that norman is way cooler than stillwater.

0+0=0

2011-04-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

"you're someone my demons have no fear of"

i like that line.

this makes me want to stay home and make toast. walk around in my underwear, make videos.

i've been thinking a lot about my life. what i want. who i am.

i've been testing waters and realizing i've known for a while what it is i'm looking for.

sometimes, when building, you freak out mid-construct. you look around frantically to make sure you're not crazy.

i know i'm not crazy.

i want a life that means something. i want to love and live and create. i want to sustain myself with my passions. i'm so close and so far away. i'm learning and listening and feeling. this road is so unfamiliar, but i'm comforted with the knowledge that i'm not alone. and everything i need will be found along the way.

bittersweet

2011-04-21T22:22:00.001-05:00

today was grandpa's funeral. i still don't really have words to describe where i'm at with it. i'm relieved, but sad. but he had a good, long life of 92 years. he was so loved, and so loving in return.

my mom & aunt

me & the bros

[side note - i'm soooo glad that i'm the only one that got my grandmother's 'short' genes. i'd feel sorry if one of my brothers was a shrimp like me.]

with dad

...and mom!

and our last living grandparent...our ornery grandpa! haha! he's a pill!

saila' boy!

sporting micah's hat

and then micah busted himself up while playing football in the front yard...

ouch!

and now i'm beat. its nearly "zzzzzz" time

around me

2011-04-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

restless

2011-04-18T18:26:00.000-05:00

i was doing well. thriving, growing, accomplishing things.
but now i'm restless.
as my "stay-at-home-doing-what-i-want" funds are dwindling and i'm picking up jobs i find myself uneasy. i'm beginning to get frantic. bills. gas. food.
i haven't felt my heart in a while. i'm numb.
i'm out of reach while my phone is disconnected, so the isolation is inevitable.
my garden is slow growing, and i can't ignore the comparison.
i don't know what it is that i need, or if i need anything at all.

release

2011-04-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

as i just walked into work last night at 5:45pm my grandfather passed, peacefully and surrounded by family. we have been so blessed to have him as ours. father, grandfather, mentor and inspiration.

something good

2011-04-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

i'm going to spend the day with my family at my grandfather's assisted living center. we got a call from the hospice nurse who believes he probably won't make it to tomorrow morning. not fun news. but neither is seeing an electrical engineer who was constantly in motion sleeping his days away in a reclined chair. i had a dream a few weeks back that he was telling me about how when you pass on you become your real self again, you soar and do everything you wish you could.
my grandpa is brilliant. i'm living here in his house amongst years of ham radio tinkerings, thousands of books and periodicals, electrical thingamajigs of every sort. i love this place. i love the memories and the traces of my grandparents everywhere. i love that here i'm learning to mesh my present with my past. and learning to weave my future into all this as well.
so many things in my life are coming, going, circling and landing. i'm losing loved ones but cementing friendships. i'm learning that i can't worry about things beyond my grasp. i'm growing out of my fears and into something new. i picked a mug for my tea this morning and when i read it i smiled.

something good is going to happen to you

something good has happened, it is happening now. life is moving, changing, fitting together.

dear grandpa <3

good juju

2011-04-13T17:28:00.000-05:00

after many months of cheap-beer-buying i've decided i need to get back to my roots. when i was married my husband and i brewed our own. i wasn't really a fan of beer before our first batch, but tasting the brew of our labor won me over. so i ventured back into the liquor store instead of grocery-picking. i got some new (to me) stuff and figure i might share it with you!

this one is from left hand brewing co. i have to admit i was first captured by the label artwork. i mean, who can pass up psychedelic skulls?! {not me}
good juju, brewed with ginger! and man can you tell! but not in a bad way, i love ginger! and the beer has just enough of that flavor without overdoing it. yumm!!! i will definitely be getting this one again!

weekend photos

2011-04-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

two of my big interests: old stuff and animals

haha!

well said

2011-04-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

my lovely friend alexa had this on her tumblr and i couldn't resist reposting. so.perfect.

Ultimate Blog Party 2011

2011-04-08T11:05:00.006-05:00

hey yo! i'm shara! sharalee is my actual (long) name but since most people somehow translate it to "shirley" when i'm introduced we're just gonna go with shara. haha! what i will tell you about myself today will probably be completely different from what i might tell you in 6 months, that sort of happens with me. in the past 8 months i came out of the closet, got divorced, met a girl, broke up with girl, moved from my college town back to 'home' in the okc metro and got laid off from my job. i know i make that sound fairly breezy but its all been a giant roller coaster that i couldn't have survived without my lovely friends and family!

i'm a photographer, and had been doing that on my nights & weekends while working a bank job for 6 years during my married life. the job layoff sort of booted me out of the comfort of a steady paycheck & health insurance, but made me realize what i really want my life to be like. so now i'm making each day mine, doing what i want to do.

which means: i'm re-launching my photo & design business. and i'm applying for hair school! i drink a lot of earl grey and french press coffee. i love spending time in my garden. i photograph anything and everything (which is why you may get tired of seeing photos of my cup of tea). i love music and movies and dinner nights with friends & wine. i make jewelry and other things out of bottle caps and whatever used things i can find. i love be outside, biking, running, climbing trees, swimming. i have super random fashion that combines old navy clearance racks, thrift stores, and my uncles junior high wardrobe. i'm half femme/half 13yr old boy.

see? femme / 13 yr old boy

i dearly miss being a roller girl and need to join a team soon so i can relish being knocked around again. i want more tattoos. i'm a follower of mommy blogs even though the only "mommy" i am is of two cats. it took me freakin forever to even figure out what SAHM meant! but one day maybe i hope to be one. the older i get the younger i feel. and like i'm coming in near the end of this blog party, i tend to always arrive late! :-)

kid #1 - allie

kid #2 - frankie teeaaaaaa

i'm loving my life. and i love meeting new lives to follow, so leave a comment where i can find you! and if you decide to stick around i promise i'm not always this long-winded

(but i am always this random.)

love love!

<3 shara

blocking the flow

2011-04-07T11:09:00.001-05:00

so, a couple weeks ago i posted some blah blah blah about creating your reality. i was motivated to get done what needed to be done so i could have the life i wanted. but we all know how things go. i've had to wait on one thing after another to try to get my financial aid for school finished (still waiting on things, btw). and buy one thing after another (from car tags to contacts to speeding tickets) in the meantime. urghh!!! i've been delving into a crazed frustration day after jobless day while slowly watching my money fade into oblivion. i feel like the flow i had has been blocked.
but i keep thinking about all my years in that gray bank cubicle. all those hours of overtime i would spend trapped indoors daydreaming about my etsy shop, my photography business and being outside. the coworkers who didn't understand my style or why one side of my hair was cut shorter than the other. i remind myself that creating the life you want isn't going to be the easiest way, but the most rewarding. i'm enjoying my "free" time now, even if it does just mean figuring out the complexities of FAFSA, searching for where the hell on my pc i might have saved that tax return or being able to do my laundry at 1pm.
i'm not waiting for my perfect life to arrive. i'm going to make it piece by piece from all the little bits of inspiration around me. it's kind of sucking right now, feeling like it might topple with the slightest breeze. but i figure the beginnings are apt to be a bit shaky. and always be better than a cubicle. for now i have to just grow. learn patience. *breeeaaathe*

on that note, its garden time.

i {heart} new clothes!

2011-04-06T15:35:00.001-05:00

today i went shopping and bought this:

(all but the necklace, i made that)

i also made a video! you can't see it yet cause i'm still working on it. but here i am setting up...

photo time!

2011-04-05T22:26:00.002-05:00

so here are some photos of things i've seen/done in the past few days!

i <3 my friend suz's heelers

the wall of death at the thunder motorcycle rally

it was insane!!!

medieval fair in norman

i <3 Celtic music! *sigh* *swoon*

home

oh yeah...also, i stepped on a dead mouse today. eck!

apparently he had broken into my laundry room in the basement and died there by the door. and i stepped on his lifeless body while rolling out my bicycle. gross.

time for some snobbery

2011-04-04T16:35:00.003-05:00

since i got divorced, moved my life, and have been settling in i haven't actually made myself a cup of coffee. sure, i've ordered coffee at IHOP and random coffee shops but i haven't had an honest-to-goodness self-made cup. and those who have ever had coffee with me know i always drone on and on about the 'crap called coffee' that restaurants serve and how "when i make myyy coffee..."
anyway, when i was married my husband ushered me into coffee snobbery, and here i have gladly stayed. so, while at the store today i decided it was time to buy myself some beans.

as i ground my beans the rich smell enveloped my soul and i settled into my new life just a bit more. (sadly, all i have is a little cheap blade grinder now. preston has the amazing burr grinder - which is way better for grinding whole bean coffee) i'm pretty sure i might have to work at a coffee shop soon. i've never been a barista but would looove to...and i feel i have fairly decent coffee knowledge considering.

if you even care, here are the little tips i've learned:
-grinding your own beans is always yummier than buying them ground (the fresher the better).
-store your beans and/or grinds in an air tight container & in a dark place
-most home coffee makers don't get your water hot enough to extract all the oils and flavors your bean contains. my fave coffee tool is the french press - boil water & add to the grinds. steep, press and serve. you can make it as stout as you wish and you get so much more flavor!!

whole bean sumatra. yumm.

a coarse grind just for french press cofee

i LOVE my french press

see the oils on top? you can't get that from a normal drip coffee maker!

i could go on, but i'll stop at that. only half snob for today. ;-)

itching

2011-04-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

so as you know i bought my dream camera last week!! yes, i'm still in shock about it, occasionally shouting "OHMAGOSH! THAT'S MY CAMERA!!!!" but if you're wondering why i haven't gone photo-posting crazy its because this dang camera is so new and amazing and wonderful that my laptop is having to get some upgrades just to process the raw images. SO...photos to come soon! promise!!

birthday giveaway - the winner!

2011-03-31T22:04:00.000-05:00

there were a lot of good guesses for the giveaway...but my official time of birth was 2:39pm!!!

the closest guess was 3:30pm by suzanne stroup!!!

woo-hoo! congrats!!!

birthday giveaway!!!

2011-03-31T10:47:00.003-05:00

so i feel like giving away a bottle cap necklace today! this one hasn't been listed on etsy yet so you're seeing it for the first time. but...i need a reason....how about its-my-birthday-and-i-do-what-i-want?! sounds good to me.

so this little puppy is gonna go to the person that guesses the closest:

what TIME was i born?!

(and you have to guess an actual time, "evening" won't count as an answer)

just post a comment with your guess and i'll give the correct answer at 10pm tonight!

(and mom, you're not allowed to comment!)

good luck, yo!

29 until 29

2011-03-30T23:33:00.002-05:00

there's about 29 minutes until my birthday. please...i'm not looking for attention. i'm just thinking. 29 minutes until 29 years old. yep, 29. wow. and this is definitely not where i thought i'd be at 29.
i'm trying to think of a simple way to put what's spinning around in my head. i suppose it sounds/looks something like this:

whoa. 29. *shudder*
but i feel younger. i've always felt younger. especially now.
unemployed
starting my life over
(hopefully i'll get that camera tomorrow)
freshly out of the closet, divorced
freshly single, and then un-single again
my house is cold
29 minutes till 29
29 minutes and you'll be 29 too
and i miss you. i miss my friend.
but we'll see where life leads
hopefully i'll see you again
and we'll both smile {hopefully}
this flogging molly song makes my heart smile
i wish frankie would stop playing with his toys on my bed...
maybe i'll wear a dress tomorrow, and makeup too
and maybe my amazing red vintage heels
whoa. 29.
*sigh*

good morning

2011-03-30T10:32:00.001-05:00

breakfast building complete.

good morning, everyone!

its a good morning for me as i will begin shopping for my new camera & make a purchase soon! yay!!!! also, hoping to tie up some loose ends on the job front. ha! i can't even say loose ends when i don't have ends to be loose! currently still waiting for info to finish my financial aid to even see if i can afford the hair school i want to go to, and so the job situation sort of depends on that. but today is camera day!

brrrwhatthecrap?!?!

2011-03-29T15:27:00.001-05:00

so i left town this weekend with a bag packed full of spring dresses & shorts. but now bbrrrr!! what the crap!?! i'm pretty positive that i'm going to have to replant everything that was in my garden. and since i still haven't filled my propane tank i've come home to a frigid house. the little space heater in my bedroom has thawed my fingertips just enough to type. and hopefully the room will warm up enough for me to make some more duct tape wallets (since i've suddenly been selling them like crazy this weekend! yippeeee!) sadly, i didn't even get photos of the cool ones i sold. soon..

this card holder is my fave so far...

etsy updates

2011-03-25T21:05:00.002-05:00

woot! woot! for etsy shop additions!

unemployed

2011-03-25T12:10:00.001-05:00

i like this. being home at 11:45am. working on design stuff. etsy shop. planning. sleeping kitties on the bed. the smell of breakfast toast still in the air. taking in the sunshine.

create your reality

2011-03-24T20:11:00.001-05:00

today was my last day of employment at the bank where i have been for 6 years. its been a safe job - one i kept while i was living in stillwater. 8-5 (or later), benefits, decent paycheck. safe.

i moved to norman with a job in the edmond branch but found out my second day there that the branch was closing. sorry if you've heard this story before (or a thousand times before). but obviously there are other plans. so, as of today i'm no longer employed. i'm deciding what it is i want to do next.

i had been looking for full time office jobs, since i'm very qualified and know i can make a decent living with it. but i've resented being an office hamster for years. my heart spurs me on toward dreaming.

now i have the opportunity to go out and do whatever i want. live how i want. create my reality. so tomorrow i'm visiting the Paul Mitchell school for a tour and more info on becoming a hair stylist! for years i've considering becoming a hair stylist but it hadn't quite settled in my soul until now. i've been planning my new camera purchase for weeks and revving myself up for an etsy shop revamp. photography, design, hair, creativity. its everything i feel inside, now we'll see if i can make it a living. so, *whew* here goes nothin'...

also, some photos of my hang time with scout yesterday...

yep, adorable

and trying to pick out paint for my bedroom...

(i'm liking the gold at the very bottom left!) =D

sprouts

2011-03-22T22:31:00.001-05:00

i missed the first day of spring. at least, i missed recognizing it when it happened. the past week has been a spinning blur. friendships, emotions, loss, second chances, everything mixing together into some unknown flavor of life. i keep pondering the fate vs choice subject. i'm a believer in both. and right now i'm lying in the bed i've made. its a messy bed, with one of those odd blankets that makes me sweaty if used, but freezing if pushed aside. i don't know exactly what that blanket is supposed to represent...maybe my choice and the fact that regardless of what i do i am going to be uncomfortable. but i suppose sometimes that's unavoidable.

anyway, about spring. i have sprouts in my garden!

so, like i said before - my garden can represent my soul. i'm seeing new sprouts. life is coming up, changing. i just gotta remember to keep watering! haha!
and speaking of watering...i bought a new water hose so this one actually reaches all the way to my garden! no more thumb-over-the-hose and stretching to sprinkle my thirsty rows of soil! yay for domestic purchases!

procreation documentation

2011-03-11T17:43:00.002-06:00

no, i'm not speaking of porn. haha! birth photography!!
my lovely friend paige asked me about photographing her home birth in a few months. i (maybe a little over-) ecstatically agreed. my mother had my last two brothers at home and i witnessed the "miracle of birth" (orwhathaveyou) twice by 10 years of age. popping out babes seemed like a pretty normal thing to me, but somehow at 9 years old i knew home-birthing was something a little more than bizarre to most people. but i was proud that my mom was a naturalist and i've grown to have the same ideas about birth (and life in general, really.)

anyway, i photographed my sister-friend rashel's birth nearly three years ago. it wasn't at home, but a birthing room with a midwife. it was warm and intimate and precious. no unnecessary medical intrusions, just a woman's body doing what it knows to do. new life, new love.

haha! i <3 nick. and rashel is probably gonna kill me for this one

i always figured i'd be a mother some day. i figured it would happen easily, undoubtedly and without hesitation. at 21 i would have predicted i'd have at least one or two spawns by now. but as the years passed the idea became more and more distant. as a young married female of 'prime reproductive age' i had revolted from any maternal ideas, thoughts, suggestions, etc. but even when i was proclaiming to the world that i didn't want kids, i still felt it. and then there was scout marley's birth. it was then, as i attempted to steady my camera with trembling hands and focus through teary eyes, that i could no longer avoid that maternal pull. since then i've been slowly letting myself accept that side of me that i've felt so prominent (but had hidden) my entire life.

now as i'm finally -publicly- admitting this i'm also fully aware how much further away this part of life is for me {especially now}. regardless of my TypeA-control-freak personality i don't worry about what i can't control. there's no point. it will happen some day. at least i'm hoping. but for now i'm loving my ride. this life is taking me where i need to be. and i'm soo looking forward to documenting all these new sprouts that will be popping up around me. and soaking in my friends new joys. <3

(side note: obviously i know there are exceptions to the "natural" birth process. shit happens. and i'm not condoning unsafe practices or throwing all medical advice out the window. i'm just the chick who will go with nature when it comes down to it. to each his own.)

ok, fine...

2011-03-07T22:01:00.000-06:00

last night when i proudly proclaimed that this is the happiest i've ever been, i was lying. don't get me wrong - it wasn't purposeful. i didn't mean to lie. because i really am happy. but i looked back later and realized that this isn't really the happiest i've ever been. where i'm at isn't that giddy, giggly, brimming with cheer and lovely thoughts sort of happy. its more the gritty, brutally honest and raw kind of happy. the happy that houses a genuine smile even though it feels the rough edges of what has been torn away. i won't call it contentment, because to me that doesn't entail the hope and optimistic resolve i have. this happy is realistic. it's been worked for and earned.
anyway, i just didn't like that i spouted that statement and left it hanging in the air without my heart behind it.

mixed

2011-03-06T22:53:00.001-06:00

i can honestly say that this is the happiest i've ever been. i'm having the best days - gardening, eating, learning, being with friends and family, being home. but there are little sad intervals between when i'm processing the past - the loves lost, the loves leaving. i'm cleaning and organizing this house where my grandparents lived; where my grandparents won't return. the things of theirs i'm moving are replaced by mine, they're replaced by me. i'm living a life apart from what i've known these past 10 years and i've moved from the safety & solitude of that comfortable town. i'm happy to be here, but a little sad for what i'm leaving behind - the things you leave behind because abandon is essential if you want to go where the current is leading. relationships, lifestyles, jobs...sometimes changes come in waves. and i'm riding at the top of this one.
i know i'm where i need to be. i know this completely, 100%. but being where you need to be doesn't always equate with complete bliss. it sometimes includes loss, changing. and almost always includes growing. the past 8 months have been the most heartbreaking, exciting, scary and reassuring months i've lived. and there's so much further to go. we'll see what's next.

photos from my lovely weekend:

the tree in my front yard is blooming! let's hear a "hell yeah!" for spring approaching!

seeds are planted! tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, cilantro, basil, parsley, strawberries

coffee & friends

david taking suzanne's doggy for a spin on the mini dirt bike

digging up

2011-03-02T19:59:00.001-06:00

obviously, to start your garden you must first dig into the earth. this is where i'm beginning. i started (very) slowly. but my lovely friend jerre came to help and things quickly improved. more photos to come soon.

yep...totally using the wrong shovel for breaking earth....

yeah. so. i take photo breaks.

also, i'm thinking maybe this garden will be a physical manifestation of my soul. maybe. i'm digging now, finding what's under this dead grass, these weeds. finding there are grub worms beneath, value and promise. things to look forward to. underestimated, if even by my own head.

we'll see what grows.

march already?!

2011-03-01T22:46:00.000-06:00

the weeks have been passing quickly. job hunting, unpacking, movie watching, friend hanging...eh, wait, that doesn't sound good...
anyway, it's now nearing a month since i've been living in norman and i can't believe its march already!! i have so many plans (gardening, darkroom rebuilding, painting the house, etc) but i'm trying to take it one day at a time and not get overwhelmed with the seemingly unlimited possibilities.
one day at a time.
breathing.
enjoying.

i love my bathroom window

and flowers

rallies with cool friends who play guitar

unsuspecting photos

(photo by jerre b. fine)

and messy, yummy lunches

happy tuesday (night) my friends!

argoflex

2011-02-18T19:09:00.001-06:00

playing with my 'new' toy today!

the view finder is on the top, this is what you see.

everything is flipped backwards from reality, my porch actually faces the other direction!

i can't wait until these little pink rosettes bloom again! my grandmother loved them

a sign that i should get a dog?!? possibly.

random thursday, 2.17.11

2011-02-17T23:01:00.001-06:00

today i came home to plan my garden. i have soooo much space in my yard with great sun exposure, but i think i finally decided on my spot. i'm planning a raised garden because apparently this yard has drainage issues, but hopefully i'll get started on it this weekend! yay for my own yard!! and my own garden (that's not in a pot)!

since i was losing sunlight pretty quickly after i had finally decided on my garden location i just rode dirt bikes around my yard for a while with david and my lovely friend jerre b fine. and ate sushi. and listened to music while playing with an old camera i found in my grandpa's dark room.

the camera is an argoflex that uses 120film (which i just happen to have since i'm addicted to playing with medium format) i also found a brownie bull's eye (another medium format) and an ansco flash clipper (which takes 620 film - no longer in production)!! one of these days i'll post a list of my film camera collection. be ready.

i put film in this one so we'll see how it turns out!! isn't it amazing looking?!?! i love it!

in other news...
i'm loving living in the okc metro area. i feel like every day is a weekend because i can see my friends & family all the time! and go where i want! and do things i like to do!
a little part of me does miss stillwater, mostly the part of me that likes getting from work to home in 10 minutes.

also i wish my cats would stop puking all over my room. really doesn't help my mood when i get home from that 30-45 minute commute.

have a lovely thursday (for what is left) and an even better weekend!!

abnormal?

2011-02-16T22:58:00.000-06:00

i'm pretty sure your ass shouldn't chafe itself. but after my 3 mile run tonight, my crack is definitely chafed. i also acquired 3 new blisters from my five fingers (1 per mile?!)
and i suppose i should add that i'm taking on these lovely afflictions because i agreed to run a 10k road race...in two weeks. haha! yep, i can't remember the last time i ran 6 miles (its been over 3 years i'm almost sure) but what the hell!?!? might as well!

dream

2011-02-12T14:53:00.001-06:00

i found this video a few months ago and had forgotten about it until today. as always, perfect timing. this is the song of my heart, i needed to hear this now.

for the first time since 1997 i'm going to have a valentine's day by myself. alone. single. and i'm totally fine with it. i'm looking forward to it actually! i'm going to love myself. i'm going to do what i want to do, and enjoy it knowing that i'm where i need to be. i'm who i need to be, at least for now. this year's valentine's day will be my own.

i'm rekindling childhood loves - tucking myself away in my grandparents house, immersed in the smell of old books, studying 1970s photography periodicals; watching birds in the back yard and the golden sunset rays illuminating the kitchen; pretending i could stay here forever and fade into time with the rest of these antiques. this place is mine now. and i'm my own now.

random thursday, feb 10 2011

2011-02-10T22:08:00.002-06:00

productive day! for the first time ever i shoveled snow! i really don't think i've ever done that before. i've never had my own sidewalk to shovel or enough snow to even need to! it sucked and i got a giant splinter in my thumb, but i appreciated the life experience. profound moment, i know.

then i ran!! *gasp!* i can't actually remember the last time i ran, but its time to start again. and it was just sunny enough to trick myself into thinking it wasn't very cold. so i put on my tights and headed out to the streets.

{before}

ahh, the glory of masochism! my 2 miles were full of spitting, projectile snot-blowing, ice dodging and the occasional hazardous female driver. {it's commonly known among female runners that female drivers DO NOT care for your safety. we all assume they're just bitter that we're in shape (or at least trying to be) and they're not. maybe we're a threat. whatever the reason, 95% of female drivers would rather run the risk of jail time than veer a few feet into the other lane to make sure they don't hit you. males, on the other hand, will nearly drive onto the shoulder of the opposite side of the road to make sure they get a full view of a perky runner's ass.}
anyway...running in the cold felt like home again. i tasted blood (capillaries in my lungs bursting b/c its been a while since they've been used this much), my ears throbbed, my knees ached. love!

look! according to david these are bunny tracks

little doggy tracks?! i'm gonna pretend its something more fun, like a fox.

my shop! actually, more like david's shop.

i also cooked dinner tonight for davey and i! salmon, red potatoes & rice! yay! yay!

home

2011-02-08T23:56:00.000-06:00

i'm moved. everything i own is now in my grandparents' old house. it's the house where my mother grew up; where my brothers and i spent countless summer hours playing until the sun set, disappearing into our imaginations. it's been my favorite place on earth for as long as i can remember. you can't take your worries to grandma's house, so they sat outside on the front porch until we were ready to leave.
it still smells the same. the creaks and moans of the house are the same. but now its my home. at least for a while.

it feels so good to be here, not having to drive back to stillwater after my weekend. i feel home.

photo typical of my family. david on a bike, jesse snowboarding - all in my backyard.

my new bedroom...and my mom planning where to put things

patriotic makeshift curtain

cowboy hat i found in the room

my bed is ready! and frankie is ready for it.

i love finding things like this in the house...who needs a thrift store!?!?!

my new chair! (i did find this at a thrift store - $12, baby!!!!!) {love it}

it's the perfect chair for thinking about life.

and being a dork.

grasshoppers & mustard pretzels. yumm!

in other news...

i just found out today that the branch of the bank i just moved to (that i have been at for two days now) is closing in six weeks! all i can say is - perfect timing!!! no, seriously...if i knew a couple weeks ago that the branch was closing i would probably not have moved. at least not this easily. but i needed to move. and now i have the opportunity to find a new job, something i love (or at least love more than what i was doing). i can do anything i want! i love how my life takes major turns. i really do, i embrace it.

go places

2011-02-03T22:57:00.001-06:00

so, i've been listening to this song over and over. i like it. i'm specifically feeling the lines "a heart will always go one step too far" and "a heart will always stay one day too long." cause isn't that just right? we've all felt that before. a heart that lingers. the overstay.
well that's the part of the song i had been concentrated on. my life is changing, the whole thing. and i'm concentrated on the stretching, pulling, the growing pains. and oh, the pains. but when i watched this video it was a good reminder that there's so much to see. there's so much to be. (me!) there's so much beyond this. and some day soon i'll be myself again. a better me.
and the better me will go places.

snowed in packing nonsense

2011-02-01T19:00:00.001-06:00

i mean really, what's a better start than some grey w/milk & sugar?

emptying

allie helping pack

taking photos of things i might want to remember, because i'm trashing the evidence

even the flowers i thought i'd keep forever.

i liked my hair today

maybe i'm going stir crazy.

hey! its february! that just hit me. february. that's an odd name and its always been an odd month for me. a month of losses, usually. in february i lost my high school track coach, my maternal grandmother, and my college cross country career (was kicked clean off the team) just to name a few. its usually within this month that i (re)realize how quickly time is passing and feel a little frantic. forget the hoping, i'm going to make this february a good one.
i better get to packing again...

relief

2011-01-27T18:41:00.000-06:00

i have one more week to pack!!! woo-hoo!!!! and one more week to throw stuff away. and unfortunately one more week in stillwater. but it'll be good. this is good. although now i must reeaaaally try to keep from procrastinating.
but for today it's okay. i went for a little walk around my 'neighborhood' and took some photos.

ahhh outdoors!

it's that time again...again?

2011-01-26T18:57:00.000-06:00

so, i've already mentioned that i'm moving. it seems like i just did this! but here's the fun part - i'm moving this saturday!!! i didn't really find out my move date for sure until Monday when the apartment office said "yeah, the girl wants your place!" and at the time i was laid up on my couch with whatever sickness it was that made my life feel like a black hole for a bit. so needless to say, nothing is packed. and its wednesday!

-breathe-

i came home from work ready to start my packing rampage only to be greeted by a shade of blue. its true i never really unpacked myself in this apartment. its true this has been sort of a holding place for me while i transition from this to that to the other. but now as i begin to re-pack the little pieces of my heart into boxes and imagine setting them out someplace else i'm realizing - this has been my home for a time. and i will miss it.

i made such gigantic changes here. i had to learn to stand for myself here. i re-learned to sleep alone. i lived and loved here, laughed and wept. i escaped from this place and returned to it for refuge. maybe i didn't ever completely unpack or decorate the walls with my heart, but its been mine anyway. and maybe vacant walls were what i needed for this time in my life. i embrace change, but my heart always feels the stretching.

wants

2011-01-21T20:36:00.002-06:00

so i'm going through my pc documents and come across a folder "writings."
and there i found a list of "i wants" i had, written on 1.29.2010 - almost a year ago!

so, here's the list...

I want to:

-buy a Canon 5D MKII

-find myself in my photography

-get my shoulder tattoos

-shave my head

-do a photography project alone or with friends

-have an organized & inspirational workspace

-have at least one baby with preston, with a natural birth

-adopt foreign babie(s) who need a home

-visit (at least) New York, Italy, Japan, Thailand, China

-learn Spanish, Italian, German, French & Gaelic

-live outside the US for at least two years

-stay in shape at any age

-run a marathon

-ride in a hot air balloon

-go sky diving

-own birds again (someday when we don’t have cats)

i think its so funny! so, in the past year (which flew by and i'm surprised i got anything at all done) i actually did 3 of those things! i shaved my head, got one of the shoulder tattoos i wanted, did a photo project.

i do find it encouraging...or reaffirming maybe(?)...that the rest of these "wants" are still the same. after probably the biggest life change i could probably make this past year i find it comforting that i'm still ME. i figure it means i really do want these things. they're not really trivial things, any of them. they are life things. {now, obviously the baby thing is gonna happen a little differently than i was planning a year ago...but still.}

this year i'll work on more of my list - more specifically the learning languages, hopefully some traveling, and staying in shape. and maybe more! marathon? hmm. we'll see. but now i have more to add to the list as well...but that's another blog.

ok! just for fun, how about some photos from one year ago?!

seriously!?! this was a year ago??

MGMT "Kids"

2011-01-18T21:44:00.001-06:00

*sigh*

learning about me

2011-01-17T10:19:00.001-06:00

you know that movie Runaway Bride?! of course you do. so, roberts' character is lovely and amazing but just can't seem to identify herself apart from whatever significant other she's with at the time. she doesn't even know how she likes her freakin eggs!! i feel like i've had a bit of that dilemma. but only a tiny bit.

in my six year marriage i assimilated with my husband a lot. that's what you do when you're married, or in any relationship really. but unlike most other divorcees i can say that he gave me full and complete room to be myself. i wasn't criticized when i decided it was time to dye my hair black, slather black paint on my nails and pretend i was a bad ass. he didn't laugh at me when i cut my hair short and took emo photos all day. or when i cried at The Notebook. or when decided to start saving bags and bags and bags of bottle caps. he just let me be. and maybe he laughed when i made a fool of myself, but i always welcome that. and he always reassured me. when it came to trying new things and discovering myself he never made me feel less than perfectly-imperfect-me.

but then comes divorce. and a new lifestyle. and a new relationship. and i was determined to remember who i was. but what if i really didn't know who i was? what if it was time for me to change? i tried new things, let myself bend a little. let myself get lost in a life i hadn't known before and allowed some room for learning. but then i began to realize - the only learning i was doing was learning how to ignore myself. i didn't need more "who am i?" experiences. i didn't need to test and try and consider.

i already know who i am. i know what i want. i know how i like my eggs. my coming out wasn't a doorway to discovering myself, it was just another small step in the discovering i had already done.

i know i'll never stop growing. growing up, growing younger, wiser, sillier, etc. but i know that for where i'm at in life i have a pretty firm handle on 'me'. and this morning while lying in my mom's guest bed i began thinking about the little things that entails.

.......

ok. i was going to list some of those little things. but post-waffle breakfast my brain has gone blank. and plus, isn't this just the most egotistical blog ever? so maybe i don't need to post facts about myself....
maybe later.

happy mlk day!

random thursday, jan 13, 2011

2011-01-13T22:02:00.003-06:00

- {delayed reaction} 20-what?!?! i can't believe its 2011! "two-thousand eleven" is how i say it, even if it is longer. "twenty-eleven" just doesn't make sense to me. and in my nonsensical life i need something to hang on to, right?!

- maybe its the cold weather, or the absolute & total loss of color in my skin that has caused it, but i have become obsessed with going back to cancun. now i understand why my dad went around for the majority of 2010 proclaiming "CANCUN, BABY!!!"

- i'm moving back to the OKC area!!!! i'm ready to be back near my family and pretty much 85% of my friends. i have lived in stillwater now for over 10 years!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!! - we need to emphasize those) i never thought i would be there that long. or that i would be leaving alone. but i'm where i need to be and i'm excited about the change.

- still thinking about that photo project (of some sort) i wanna do. i started to make sure i'm taking a photo/day just in case i go with the good ol' basic 365 project. still can't decide. i have a feeling if i did that i would probably just end up taking lots of photos of nothing just to meet the one-a-day quota. i'm more creative than that! but i would most likely do something as uninspired as such just to spite myself for making the commitment.

- i bought three dresses today. two that look like my usual sort (casual & to be worn with jeans). but the other one....i mean, look at this thing!!!! obviously my uterus hi-jacked my brain while perusing at ross and decided that since i've been wearing boys boxer briefs for a while that we should balance the scale with something hyper-feminine. and reddd!

(like my blue laundry basket?! i thought so. we've been together since college)

(...you can also tell where he has been sitting in the carpet until right before the photo. classic.)

- i know i have more randomness but i think you've suffered enough for this week...

goodnight!

project?

2011-01-11T21:55:00.000-06:00

I ALMOST FORGOT!!!

i'm also thinking of doing another photo project. how annoying is the photo-a-day project? anyone try it yet? i'm considering it. just to make sure i'm documenting everything i'm doing/going through/feeling. i might start it. although i feel like a loser for not starting on the 1st, i'll just make up for it. somehow.

tuesdays

2011-01-11T21:52:00.000-06:00

so, i didn't mean to scare anyone with my last post. i debated on whether i really wanted people seeing my hideous sobbing photo...but felt like sharing it just for the sake of transparency. almost immediately after posting i received a call from my dad, spurred on by my step-mom. oops! i'm coolio, yo!

today was better, as tuesdays usually are for me. monday is a long day at work and that usually contributes to a bit too much time in my head. a bit, a lot, a tremendous amount too much...

so now i'm ready. i know i'm still healing but today i just feel ready...for lots of things.

like the shroomies? these were taken with my grandpa's camera (which i'm borrowing) by someone, sometime. i like them!

home is whenever i'm with you

2011-01-10T22:18:00.003-06:00

you can't find home with someone else until you're home with yourself first.

i'm finding myself home. alone. and relearning how to live this way.
one rarely plans to be alone. and even if you look forward to a night alone you end up finding it...lonely. imagine that.
i felt ready.
i felt it was time.
i came here voluntarily.
i came here knowing this is where i needed to be.

part of this is cherished.
the "do-what-you-want-when-you-want-with-no-questions-asked" part.
but then i look around and my apartment is empty. the walls are blank. i haven't put myself on them. i haven't spilled out here. i haven't made it mine.
that's when the other part shows up. the bitter lonely. as much as it hurts, i open the door and usher him in.

i don't feel like drinking
i'm breaking and mending
feeling this fully
each rip, each tear.
each stitch and suture

i can see the light ahead, its within reach. i can touch it. i can feel its warmth. i can feel its promise, its sweet kiss and comforting hold.
but for today i'm alone.
for today my tears will roll down, falling onto my chest and covering my heart.
for today i am learning to be home with myself.

its not pretty, and that's okay with me.

2010

2011-01-05T16:28:00.002-06:00

so...here was my 2010 {in photos}

january - i <3 my sanuks

and warm sunlight in the winter

wuthering heights and earl gray

frozen yogurt with my ames

February - putting my artwork & jewelry in the Dusky Jewel (Paseo District)

photo project day

fun snow shots

and dirty feet

March - nature began again

baths, bubbles & wine

traces

reflection

capturing the things that count

and some randomness too

remembering where i am

April - looking at what's around me that i don't always see

new glasses

yummy saturday breakfasts

five fingers and coming back to earth

appreciation for the small things

May - coffee with loves

every day details

growth

becoming

June - roller derby!

and lovely bruises

moving, packing, changing

the smallest dog i've ever held

July - coming out

friends and birthdays

practice war wounds

solitude

and booty shorts haha!

August - lunch dates

new places

family

redefining

looking through new eyes

loving

September - meeting new lives

cancun

i mean really, what else can i say but "CANCUN!"

escape

happiness

brother love

self love (keep your mind outta the gutter please, i'm being serious)

friend silliness

October - living, doing & seeing (and a camera death)

wanting to steal meerkats from the zoo

November - new point & shoot camera!

hats & ear bones! (that my mother was very disappointed with)

friends & derby bouts

out, about & around

learning to love myself, dork and all

December - music, mix cds & forgetfulness

photos that can't NOT be taken

crafty time

yay for fire!!

christmas dinner with people i love

2011 - i'm ready. but i'm not waiting. i'm jumping right on in.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

2011-01-04T12:04:00.002-06:00

"it was not your fault, but mine..."

again, banjos. they reach my southern/irish soul.
you should see me...about to do a jig in my living room on my lunch break.

just to say...

2011-01-03T22:10:00.001-06:00

HEY!

i was going to post an end of the year lovely thing with photos...but that obviously hasn't happened yet. soon....if i feel like it. feeling very ambivalent today. luckily its almost over.

photos coming soon. g'night!

oh okay, here's one...

a very blah unedited photo of myself. just for you. i'm sure you're thrilled.

completely known

2010-12-23T12:05:00.003-06:00

there's a waterdeep song i love that goes something like this:

"i don't think i've ever wanted as much to be free as i've longed to be known..."

I’ve always wanted to feel like someone knew me. I mean, really knew me. Someone who knew what I was thinking before I uttered a word. Someone who could look me in the eye and communicate with me before even hearing what I had to say.

Being known does start out lovely. Like how Rylee can tell when my mind begins to wander; she can tell when I’m thinking about something more significant that dinner. Sure, she knows how I want my hamburger – with mayo and ketchup, no onions. She knows that my heart bulges when I see an elderly couple in the store, or when I see something that makes me miss my grandma.

As much as I’ve longed to be known, I’m finding that being known can be it irritating. {At least it can be to my Type-A-perfectionist-yet-childish Aries soul.} It includes someone knowing not only your sweet thoughts and dreams but also your flaws. And I feel like the worst parts of me are flowing out in abundance now. It can become maddening {if you let it}

I have a number of people like this in my life now, people who just know me. And I begin to wonder if they know me because they’re in my life for a reason or because I’ve just been so transparent that they got a good look at me. I know, the answer is obvious. In my “everything happens for a reason” mind, I know they’re meant to be in my life.

   There’s Rylee, who calls me out when I’m being pessimistic or irrational. When my temper is escalating to tantrum-status she smiles sweetly and shuts me down. She gives me that “look” when I say something that I’m trying to make myself believe, but we both know is a sham. She sees me when I’m frustrated, irritated and whiney. She sees me when I’m broken and reminds me that there’s no reason to break.
    There’s Rashel, who has known me since we were 12. I put on my show for her for years and she just watched and smiled. But she always knew what was behind my extravagant scenes. She worked the lights, changed the backdrops and helped me put on the show I wanted. But as soon as I shut it down she was there to help me sweep the floors and close the doors. I can always see her thoughts in her eyes and she spares me no honesty.
    There’s Jerre, my new-found friend and pod twin. Our coinciding birthdays was a novelty and I was interested in our similarities. Then I realized those similarities lead to Jerre calling my bluff…a lot. Our conversations are littered with scowls and dares, and I’m usually left brooding over the fact that regardless of endeavors my insecurity has been branded. With a laugh Jerre can predict my reaction, and in the process nearly nullify its execution.
    There’s Cat, who always makes me question my motives and reminds me that not all is fleeting. There’s JD, who stimulates my introspection but always stops me with his question “what’s really the problem here?” To which my answer is usually “Nothing. It’s in my head.”

I get frustrated that I don’t get my way, and that I can’t say what I want to without it being rebuffed for fraud. I hate that I can’t make people believe what I want them to believe about me. I feel found out. I feel pin-pointed and categorized. I feel like I want to break out, run away and hide where no one knows me.
My easiest defenses are invalid, no longer working like I had hoped. The stubborn child in me pouts as my loved ones stick me in the wash tub and scrub at my dirt spots. I’m irritated that you can stop me in my tracks, but I know that I’m seen and cared for. I know I’m being challenged to grow.

I’m completely known, and still loved.

tues night. wine. thoughts.

2010-12-21T22:35:00.000-06:00

ok.....i HAD thoughts.....but they turned into photos instead....

i'm in love with her.

i thought the creepy monkey needed some love

admissions

2010-12-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

i was trying to think of something profound to write about this...but its really just a list. it is what it is. a list of my admissions - negative and positive. everyone has 'em, right?

so...what are yours?

random thursday, dec 16, 2010

2010-12-16T17:53:00.001-06:00

random thursday, dec. 2

2010-12-02T18:16:00.001-06:00

i feel like the days are passing by without me.

i desperately need to find my portable hard drive. the *find* part is starting to stress me out. i mean really, how many places can it hide in a 900 sq ft apartment??

its cold in here.

i got my tire fixed today. i felt like an irresponsible car owner when they told me they found not only a screw but a huge staple. plus i had used fix-a-flat so i got some crap for that too. eek.

cherrie (my new doggy) wants me to cuddle with her.

(she loves her purple sweater)

and i was in the process of posting a video too, but i got bored with it.

happy random (frustrating until i find that hard drive) thursday!

dark come soon

2010-11-23T12:20:00.000-06:00

the lovey Tegan & Sara

<p>&amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;gt;Tegan And Sara - Dark Come Soon</p>

Everything I say, I say to me first
Everything I do, I do to me first

the new header...

2010-11-17T17:41:00.000-06:00

so my lovely derby friend Robin D'Cradle (jules) posted the quote on her page one day.

"i may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i needed to be." - douglas adams

i'm a fan of douglas adams anyway ("so long, and thanks for all the fish!") so i thought it was cool...plus it perfectly fits my life at this point. so i just wanted to say a bit about that...

i'm not really a planner. i kinda go with the flow and let life happen, only making decisions when it really comes down to the wire. but i'm an idealist. and idealist who i'm discovering is not a realist as i had indulged in thinking, but actually a pessimist.

idealist + pessimist = daily disappointments & depression (but i'm getting better.)

anyway, the point being that my lack of planning abilities/desires usually lends to my less than lovely mood when a less than ideal situation arises. and the idealist part of me screams out in agony that life isn't perfect (while my pessimist side convinces me that i better just get used to it...)

but somehow in the middle of all the "me" i'm so caught up with all the time i find myself in the perfect place. it just happens while you're not looking. i never planned to be living in stillwater. i never planned to be divorced. i never planned to be 28 and on my own, re-deciding what to do with life. but i've ended up where i need to be.
helpless...possibly.
but happy...definitely.

today is a dublin day

2010-11-12T12:05:00.000-06:00

rain

gray skies

whiskey

its a dublin day

saturday morning work

2010-11-06T09:17:00.000-05:00

i got up before 9am on a saturday!!! i'm working on some wedding photos and on a mission to get them finished & uploaded to my website by noon, and forgetting my steeping earl gray in the meantime. i seriously need to not walk away from my tea unless i have a timer.

life and i have somehow met in the middle. i've been a bit behind-feeling for the past few weeks but now i seem to have caught up. or at least my head has caught up. finally.

random photo. i'm in love with my new 8 gauge ear bones!!

random (it is thursday after all)

2010-11-04T07:12:00.000-05:00

random list. why i'm happy:

1) yay for thursdays!

2) i am in love with this season and sooooo glad its finally cold enough to wear a coat to work!

3) looking forward to seeing friends this weekend that i haven't seen in way too long

4) looking forward to spending time outside today, near horses, and people i love

5) i'm getting breakfast at work today!

6) hopefully my new point & shoot camera will come in the mail today (and hopefully it will not suck)

7) love

sorry i don't have any photos for you. i'm still camera-less but hopefully there is a new SLR in my near future....or at least a fix for mine. before i go crazy. happy thursday!

learning

2010-10-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

sometimes it seems that life suddenly dumps the basket of "hard" on you all at once. the balance that i had been feeling for the past few months, the peace, the quiet - it inexplicably vanished.

the past couple weeks have been -hard-

its not that i was expecting this to be easy. i knew this would be hard, life is hard sometimes. but i figured at least the bulk of that would be external. wrong! so maybe its not so inexplicable at all. i let my head get to me. i always do. and i was so proud of myself lately for not over-thinking. it starts with a thought and i dig it into a huge black hole and jump straight in. occasionally i surface and realize that i'm wasting my time.

so i'm learning to listen and let go and live. learning to use my brain for its intended use - rational thought, my soul for guidance, my heart for healing and loving. its an odd process - ripping yourself open in certain places for complete examination, and sewing yourself up for healing in others. its a whole-soul soreness.

i remember dates too well

2010-10-06T07:48:00.001-05:00

it was two years ago today (oct 6) that preston and i stood on a cliff on Inishmore, one of the Aran Islands off the coast of Ireland. together we biked around the island in the mist, soaking up every detail possible before our ferry returned. our hearts were at home.

october has always been my favorite month for so many reason (really, i don't need to list them because i'm pretty sure you agree with me, right?!) but then taking the most amazing trip within the month has just intensified my nostalgia.

so for the past six days i've been swirling in memories of irish stew on the coast in doolin while soaked to the bone, slainte! playing in streets, gray skies, green fields, velvety guinness in a warmly lit pub. they mix with the left over details from before: high school love, cross country races and wet grass in the morning, runs with cat and orange leaves beneath our feet.

and it's all coming back to me today. i'm off work, going to court to sign the final divorce papers. sadness mixes with hope and my heart is treading carefully. i'll leave no memory behind. there is nothing here i would care to forget. we'll all be okay.